Taking Brian Shopping.

You think shopping in that gear is tough? Try shopping with Brian sometime.

As I was leaving work yesterday I thought to myself, it has been a long time since I have purchased a video game and we have our money back from the whole National City/PNC fiasco, so today was the day.  Today I would reinvest in my obsession since my senior year in high school.  Today I would finally buy the latest Final Fantasy game.

And since I was going there anyway I might as well take Brian with me.  The kid loves video games and is always bothering mom and dad to take him.  And if you read this blog at all, there should be no reason for explanation as to why they don’t like to take him.

So I called Brian and told him I was on my way and to make sure he has his shit together and to call mom and make sure it was alright.  You have to tell Brian to get his shit together, otherwise you are at the house for 20 minutes waiting for him to put on shoes, socks and get his money and so on.  It is normally quite the ordeal, as I have said before, the kid is slower than a turtle with no legs.

So I get to the house and run through the checklist.

• Does Brian have socks on:  Check.

• Does Brian have shoes on:  Check.

• Does Brian have money:  Check.

• Has Brian called mom and OK’ed everything:  Check.

• Does Brian have anything he wants to trade in:  Silly question he always does, check.

• Does Brian have a jacket:  negative, its nice enough out, he wont need it and getting him to find it and put it on might take another 10 minutes.

On to Gamestop.

We arrive safely, discussing Brian’s options as to what to get M for her birthday.  He got her a necklace for Valentines day, so I suggested a nice bracelet or earings and maybe a tub of her favorite ice cream since he is going to her birthday party on Saturday.  No better way to impress the lady then show up to her party with her favorite ice cream right?  So it was decided.

We walk in the door and Brian immediately heads to the counter to exchange a PS3 game that he didn’t really like or play that much.  Amazingly he got $16 on the trade in, now on to the hard part, figuring out what game to buy next.

Yeah, like this, but instead of bricks, imagine video games.

For me it was easy.  For Brian, nothing is easy.  After getting his store credit he proceeds to walk over to the wall of games, which might as well be the Wall of China the way Brian takes his sweet ass time looking over everything.

After picking out what I wanted I decided to help speed up the process and help Brian pick something out.

Me: Brian, what are you looking for?

Brian: A racing game.

Me: Brian, isn’t that what you just returned?

Brian: Yeah, I want a different one.

Me: What about this one?

Brian: Own it.

Me: This one?

Brian: Played it.

Me: This one?

Brian: Own it.

This seriously went on until we had exhausted every single racing game that they had in the store.  That is until I found the off-road racing games, so I asked Brian about those games.  Nope, he doesn’t like off-road racing, just street racing.  Of course.  This kid is more picky about games than I am about food.

So I tell Brian that there is literally no racing game made for the PS3 that he either hasnt played or doesn’t already own.  So I asked him what other kind of game he would like.  He said baseball or basketball.

So I start to scour the great wall-o-games again.  I start to see several baseball and basketball games he might like, but when I turn around, to my surprise, Brian has a game in hand.  Wrestling.

Ahhhh, the joys of shopping with Brian, he tells you one thing and picks out another.  So I ask him if he is sure about this game.  BIG MISTAKE.  He was sure, but since my dumb ass just HAD to say something, now he wasnt so sure, so we get to start the scanning process all over again.

Luckily he narrows it down to two games.  Wrestling and basketball.  As he is looking over the basketball game I notice how cheap it is.  Clearly a newer version of this game would be coming out soon, if it wasn’t already.  I told Brian to wait because a newer version of this game should be coming out soon.

He told me he already knew that.  Why did he already know that you ask?  Because he already owns the newer version.  Of course he did.  Dammit Brian why the hell would you wants last years game, when you already have THIS years game??!!  He does this with NASCAR games all the time.  He will trade games in to get older versions of the game.  Baffles me.

Thankfully I got through to him and he settled on the Wrestling game, all in under an hour, which for Brian is nothing short of a miracle.  So we make our way up to the counter when Brian pulls out a wad of cash that looked like it had gone through the washing machine.

Me: Brian, don’t you have a wallet?

Brian: Nope.

Me: That’s it, your 19, you need a wallet.  We are taking you over to Target to get you a wallet after this.

Brian: OK.

So we take our games to the car and walk over to Target.  Yes I am 31 years old and the first thing I do when I go into Target is go to the toys section.  I always browse through the Legos and Star Wars stuff, just to see what there is, I normally don’t get anything.

It was at this time that Brian mentioned that he was going to see Tony Stewart on Thursday and he wanted to take something to get signed, but mom wouldn’t get him this car that he wanted.  I was curious, so I asked to see it.  Shit no wonder, the car he wanted was like $25 bucks.  That’s nothing to sneeze at.  But I was able to compromise, I found a little car that had a scale model of the hood of the car that came with it and it was only $5.00.  I told Brian I would get that for him and as an added bonus it might make John jealous, I LOVE when I can do that!

Now on to the wallet.  WE finally get to the section that has wallets and there are of course four options, not good for a kid that takes upwards of an hour to pick out one video game.  Luckily your story-teller learns a lesson, I picked out the cheapest little bastard I could find and said this IS what you are getting.

Surprisingly there was no argument from Brain, so we made our way up to the counter.  While waiting in line Brian decides he needs some gum.

Me: Brian, why to you need gum?

Brian: I like to have some when I am hanging out with M.

Brian makes Brett favre look like a decision making machine.

I’ll be honest, that is some damn good logic, I can’t really argue with that at all.  Alright, gum it is.  But wait, that means more decisions, shit.

Me: Do you like fruity gum?

Brain: Nah, not really.

Me: Do you like mint?

Brian: yeah.

Awesome, I grab the cheapest mint gum I can find and tell him that’s his winner.  Again, no argument, sweet, I’m almost in the clear here.

As we are walking out the store he thanked me, which was nice, but then he followed up with these little numbers.

1. He informs me that he doesn’t have a wallet because he lost his last one and Carol didn’t want to waste the money to get him another one he would probably lose.  Awesome work Brian, you got me to spend money on you and set me up to get yelled at by Carol.
2. He informs me that he asked Carol if he could get some gum like two days ago and Carol said no because she had just bought a lot of gum.  Brian’s excuse was he didn’t know where that was.  I asked him if he asked Carol where it was and you guessed it, he said no, followed by, “how should I know.”  I HATE when he acts like the victim when he knows damn well that it was his own fault.

Well Brian, I hope that this was a great trip for you because Carol will NEVER let this happen again.  Hell, I was only with him for a couple hours and I managed to get him three things that Carol had specifically said no to him like two days prior.

I would rate my parental preparedness at about a 3 out of 10.  Not good.

Still waiting for Carol to call and ask what the hell I was thinking.  Luckily I already have the insanity defense well mapped out.

The most annoying sound in the World.

Remember that moment in “Dumb and Dumber,” when Harry and Lloyd are in the car and they ask the hit man if he wants to hear the most annoying sound in the World?  Well I have something that will top that.  Brian playing the repeater as you play a video game.

I was over at the illustrious Wenstrup House last night watching over Brian since he just had a tune up surgery the day before.  I was there to ensure that Brian didn’t over exert himself and do something he shouldn’t.  Easy enough task, one that even my dumbass couldn’t screw up.  What I didn’t count on was Brian raising his level of annoyingness up a notch just for tonight.

Normally when i am over there I like to hang out and play Wii.  Normally I can play with both John and Brian, and while Brian is slower than molasses in January it is still pretty entertaining.  Unfortunately for Brian Wii was on his list of do-nots, so all he could do was sit around and watch.

I am not a tyrant, this is a 19-year-old kid and no one was forcing him to sit there and watch, but I think he got some sick enjoyment out of it.  I will come back to that thought.  First we watched most of the Xavier game.  A win on the road against a good coach and an SEC team.  Plus I got to call Kat (huge Florida Gator fan) and leave her a nasty message from Brian and I, mostly fun.

But have you ever watched a game with Brian?  It’s like watching a movie with Jesy.  500 questions in a matter of minutes.  Brian was firing off questions faster than a Bengal can get arrested.  My head was spinning, my brain was trying to follow along with the basketball game, but it was also being invaded with Brian’s insistent questions.

• “Who has the ball?”

• “Whats the score?”

• “Whos winning?”

• “Whos wearing blue?”

• “Whos wearing white?”  Swear to God he asked this question right after he asked who was wearing blue.  Brian, there are only two damned teams on the floor, if Xavier is wearing blue, then who is left?

• “God that guys sucks.”  You mean the guy that just drained that three pointer?  Come on Brian!

• “What time is it?”

• “How much time is left in the game?”

• “Is Xavier ranked?”

• “Is Florida ranked?”

And if I didn’t answer quick enough he would ask again, and again, until I answered.  There is no ignoring Brian in the hopes that he will be quiet, I’m not sure at this point if he even knows how.  If he is awake, his lips are moving.

After the Xavier game, Brian was content to sit downstairs and just watch me play Wii games for most of the night.  There was a point in time when I went upstairs with him and watched him play Play Station 3 for about 30 minutes, but Brian got frustrated when I refused to play “That one mission he just couldn’t get past.”  I learned a long time ago that Brian is a con artist.  There is ALWAYS a level that Brian can’t get past and he will bother any one that comes into the house to play it for him.

But I digress.  Two years ago Jesy and I got him a Wii game for Christmas.  It was one of those games like Wii Sports that has like 5 different sporting games on it, we figured that it would be a good value gift.  Anywho, Brian wanted me to play that game because we hadn’t in so long, sure whatever.

Every freaking game I played,  Brian was apparently an expert already.  He was barking out orders and instructions like he was General Patton.

Stupid tetherball, now I have to ice my shoulder.

• Hit it harder

• Hit it faster

• Swing the controller like this

• Get in that lane

• Make him explode, use your power ups

• Use a different plane

Now imagine all that on an endless loop.  Can you say nightmare?  And if he wasn’t barking out orders he was cackling hysterically while I was playing tetherball.  I’m not sure what compelled me to play this game.  I must have temporarily forgotten the one other time I played it.  It was against John when Brian first got the game.  It was a tetherball marathon, it went on for what seemed like hours.  It was horrific, my arm was a pile of Jello.  It was so bad that I had to pause the game and take off my sweatshirt.  I was sweating more than Rosie O’Donnell at a buffet.  But because I am a moron I forgot and here I was in the same position.  My arm was about to fall off completely from the game and my head was going to explode from Brian’s mouth.

Brian is meanwhile still alternating between giving instructions like a drill sergeant on crack and laughing like he just watched Eddie Murphy Raw.  Finally I did something that I NEVER do.  I gave up.  I let the CPU win.  It was so much easier to deal with the pain of defeat then have to listen to motor mouth laugh and tell me all the things I am doing wrong.

The best part is, I have seen Brian play these games, and half of them he couldn’t do either.  That of course never stops Brian from telling everyone how good he is.  As a matter of fact he has already challenged me to Mario Kart, Bowling, basketball, and Frisbee golf once he fully recovers.

I will beat him at all of them, just for him to tell me I got lucky and that he will beat me next time.  Yes sir drill sergeant sir!

Text you very much.

He had a less than perfect game, but he does NOT suck.

So, it is not often that I don’t have my phone on me.  As a matter of fact it is a giant pet-peeve of loved ones that own cell phones, but never seem to answer them or constantly forget them.  Anywhoooooooo.  As it turns out I was that moron last night, I forgot my cell phone in the car, and paid for it dearly when I saw that I had 10 messages waiting on me.  Strangely nothing from my brother who is a pretty big Colts fan.  I expected at least the obligatory “dammit.”  After the Super Bowl loss.

But what I did find was just as valuable.  The beginning to a verbal battle the likes of Poe and Thoreau would be proud of.  Brian text me at 9:46 right after Peyton Manning’s second interception.  ”payten manning sux.”

So it begins.  First, PEYTON Manning doesn’t suck.  It is ridiculous to think so.  But we have seen this from Peyton before, he can be hit or big miss in the playoffs.  Secondly if you are going to run smack at a guy, spell his name correctly.  Get some class Brian, weak, just weak.  And third, don’t start hating on my man crush in a war you can’t possibly win.  Oh yeah and I hate that sux instead of sucks, ridiculous.

It’s time for you to go down son.  So I respond with the only possible thing that can just shut him down.

“Your face sucks.”  Sent at 9:53 pm.

Good luck recovering from that kid.

But he does.  And somehow I didn’t see it coming.  Like an arrogant fighter I had turned my back on my opponent and when I turned back around all I saw was a blur of his fist as it connected with my jaw.  The doubts start creeping in my mind.  Did Brian just rope-a-dope me?  Did I get fooled into a false sense of security, only to be checkmated in two moves?

"What the what?" Who can make sense of that garbage.

His response:  ”no u sux.”  Sent at 10:04 PM

He forewent any body part and went for me as a “whole person sucks.”  He cuts me deeply.  But wait.  The grammar is atrocious, it should be suck, not sucks.  Ahhhhh, much better.  Brian’s poor texting skills, matched with his generationial refusal to spell correctly has taken the sting off and allowed me to recover.  Let the battle continue.

I respond with, “Turd licker.”

I go on the offensive.  I am wanting to end this.  The Colts had lost and I was in a bad mood.

Brian responds with, “u want 2 start this game?”

Ah, well it looks like the game is a foot?  Brian is not finished with me yet.  Casting aside my insult and taunting me.  Well played Brian, I see this is not your first rodeo.  No matter I can divert too.

My response: “You started it.”

Classic childish response.  It was true, but my hope was this would confuse Brian allowing for another diversion and end this before it got out of hand.

Brian’s response:  ”why r doing this?”  Is this Brian or a Chinese kid taking his first lessons in English?  Come on Brian get it together over there!  Anyway it is clear that my plan has worked, he is clearly confused.  Time to keep the confusion going.  Time to go even more childish on him.  The repeater.

"Okiesillydokieyo."

My response:  ”Why are you doing this?”

Answer a question, with a question, well then you are an ass.  Answer a question with the same question and you’re a brilliant ass!

Now Brian does something unexpected.  He shakes off the confusion and fires a shot of his own.

“yr a butt hole.”

A missile.  Nice shot Brian, but I know deep down you are still feeling the confusion, so I capitalize and I go back to the well one more time, because this insult never gets old.

“Your face is a butt hole.”

Brian’s response, ” yeah right.”  Sent at 10:45 pm.

Ouch, I had hurt him.  He was starting to fade.  He was searching, but could not find the words, he was stalling.  I had to go in for the kill.

I told Brian, “I AM right butt face.”

Blam.  In the immortal words of Kenny Powers, ” Listen you big, beautiful bitch, I’m about to lay some truth on your ass.”  Brian was as done as the Colts after that second interception.

In a pathetic attempt Brian goes back to his question diversion.

“who a butt face u r.”

No caption needed.

Thinking he can drop the question and answer it like it was rhetorical.  Silliness, I invented that move.  Pffft, I would have used it earlier.  Poor Brian.  You ever play the video game Mortal Kombat?  Ever heard of it?  After you beat someone a giant “FINISH HIM!” Message would appear on the screen and you could do some grotesque “finishing move” on the other person and defeat him.

My screen is flashing for me to “FINISH HIM!”  Right now.

RT+LT+DWN ARRW+X (Nerd speak for controller button code.)  I finish Brian off with, “You are the Ultimate Butt Face.”

Truth Bomb Detonation.  Destroying the population of Brianville.

Brian’s response:  ”whatever.”

Checkmate.  Not only did Brian send up the white flag in his whatever, but it was time stamped 10:59 pm.  I seem to remember a conversation earlier in the day as I was sitting in the Wenstrup kitchen during a viewing we were having at our house.  About how John and Carol might not stay for the whole game at Randy and Dina’s because Brian was such a pain in the ass to get up in the morning.  They were going to have to get home so that Brian could get to bed at a decent hour so he would actually get up in the morning.  And here it is 11:00 pm at night and Brian was still up texting me.

This of course means that Brain will no doubt be a pain in the ass tomorrow morning, which means there is a good possibility that Brian will smart off and get something like Play Station 3 taken away for a month.

Then Carol is going to read this blog and will scram something like, “God dammit Brian, why the hell do you have a cell phone?  So you can let your girl friend rack up charges  and text ridiculous conversations with George that keep you up way past when you were supposed to be asleep?  I swear I’m gonna kill you Brian.”

Victory is mine.

www.mileycyrusboyfriend.com

Brian secretly wish HE was in that car with Miley!

So my phone goes off last night, “HELP!  I need somebody, HELP!”  That’s right I gave Brian a distinct ringer, and what better than The Beatles, “Help!” right?

It was just after movie night and Rick and I were just hanging out, so I thought, ah what the hell, let’s see what Brian wants.  This is the following conversation between Rick, Brian and I.

• Yes Brian?

• Did you hear about Miley Cyrus?

At no point have I ever told Brian that I like Miley Cyrus, as a matter of fact I generally spend most of my time making fun of not only Brian for liking Miley, but his older brother Matt as well.  So, I am not quite sure at this point why Brian would think that I would have ANY interest in anything to do with the next “mother by the time she’s 20 and mental breakdown by the time she is 25.”  But that won’t stop Brian.

• No Brian, I have not heard anything about Miley Cyrus.

• [wejikf [qio4ut-q 4qrekfjq3o4i nu1v-340 2341 v4o0i =2430 =02943

Don't be alarmed, I know that last sentence doesn't make sense.  What you might not know is that Brian has a horrible mumbling problem sometimes.

• What Brian?

• jklansdvpbn a[lasoedij [  a[woeij f oai f[oijh [aslej[qwi lksdjf[asdk

• Miley Cyrus is going to move out of her parents house if she isn't allowed to live with her boyfriend.

• You can translate that?

• Yeah.

Thank god Rick was there, I might never have made it through that conversation (again, Rick is in the green)!

• Brian, why are you telling me this?

• I thought you would want to look it up on the internet.

• Brian how did you hear about it?

• On the internet.  I am on the internet with my PS3.

• Brian are you looking up porn?

• No George, God, frick!

• Well Brian that's what the internet is for, you know that right?

• Whatever George.

Brian just got the PS3 for Christmas, and of course it has pretty much consumed him since.  But, the new discovery is the internet on the PS3.  Matt came over a couple weeks ago and showed Brian how to surf for porn.  Of course Brian could care less about the porn, but this will allow him to cyber stalk Miley Cyrus.

• Alright Brian, just for you I will go look this up right now.  What website are you on?

• Google it.

• Google what?

• Google Miley Cyrus's boyfriend.

• Alright Brian I just did and I don't see any story about her leaving home.

• What website are you on Brian?

• Huh?

• In the address bar up at the top it should say http://www.something.com, do you see that?

• Yeah.

• Well what does it say?

Crazy bitch!

Getting Brian to give you valuable information is much like getting Rosie O’Donnell to stop being a fat bitch, it just ain’t going to happen.  Plus I am asking a virtually blind kid to find a web address.  I work in IT, getting anyone to give you a URL can be more complicated than what it is.

• It says http://www.mileycyrusboyfriend.com

• Are you sure it says that Brian?  That doesn’t sound right.

• Yeah that’s what it says.

I , of course, knew that it didn’t say that, but just for giggles I decided, at the cost of spam, to go to that exact “site.”

• Ummmm, Brian that is not a real site.

• Google it then.

• Brian I already did that, I got nothing.

• Try mileycyrusNEWboyfriend.com

• Ummm, same result Brian, I don’t think you know what I am talking about.

• OK, so when is mom coming home?

Alright a couple things here.  One, I have now clearly exhausted Brian’s enthusiasm for Miley Cyrus.  That is a blessing and a curse.  The blessing is that it was a ridiculous topic for me to be discussing with Brian anyway, what is that girl like 17?  I feel dirty for even talking about her this much.

Two, notice what Brian did there?  As always he changed the subjects faster than Lindsay Lohan can get her panties off.  Brian LOVES to talk, so if he feels we have exhausted one subject, Brian will not wait for a good segue, he will just dive in headlong into a new subject.

• Brian, I don’t know.  Why would I know what time mom is coming home?

• Well frick, she is at stupid dinner with Jes, why don’t you give Jes a call?

• I am not interrupting their night Brian, why can’t you just play Play Station or keep cyber stalking Miley Cyrus, or even better look at some porn like a normal 19-year-old kid?

• I need to know what time to go to bed.

• Brian, what time to you normally go to bed?

• I don’t know.

• You don’t know?  Brian you are 19, how do you not know what time you go to bed?

• I never look at a the clock.

At this point there is no use in arguing with Brian, just tell him what he wants to hear and get off the phone before he seamlessly transitions into another topic that will not even closely be related to the conversation he and I are currently having.

• Alright Brian, well it should be soon, so take your medicine and get ready.

• Well there is one pill that is too big, I don’t want to choke.

• Well take all the others and wait to take that one for when mom gets home.

• Alright, will do.

• Alright, see you tomorrow Brian.
  

• Alright, take care, will do.

I was a little sad to hang up the phone, I do love having these nonsensical conversations with Brian.  It allows me to see the world through Brian’s eyes, but it also makes me laugh, not at Brian, but how he interprets things.  And sometimes you just need a good laugh.