WJP

Brian can be their trainer

This is a continuation of Brian’s first reactions to hearing about Matt and Jami being pregnant.  Matt and Jami, along with their friends Josh and Jamie and their parents Randy and Dina had all met over at John and Carol’s and were playing baseball at the Adena School next door.  The boys were playing baseball so Jami was sitting next to Brain talking to him.

According to Jami, Brian was sitting there running his mouth, as usual and told Jami that he personally was going to teach the baby how to beat Matt up.  A brilliant plan really filled with a story made for Hollywood.  Jaded little brother exacts revenge of years of being picked on by turning his brothers first-born child against him.

As if to prove his toughness Brian went on to brag about how there were only three people that he was scared of.  M was first on his list.  A good call by Brian, and M will be happy to know that she has her man trained.  He was quick to show is fear of a woman’s wrath, especially from his own woman.  Second on this list was Uncle Glenn.  Glenn is one of the nicest men I have ever met, I have no idea why Brian would be scared of him, but congratulations are in order I suppose, it’s a very short list apparently.  And Jami forgot who the third person was.  How is Matt not on that list?  How is mom or dad not on that list?  Perplexing, but that’s Brian for ya.

Jami then tried to ensure that Brian’s ego would be able to fit in the house and told him that he was a big p@ss and that no one was scared of him because we all knew he wouldn’t do any of that anyway.  Smart move to squash that down, otherwise Brian would have gone on all day about his nefarious plot to teach the baby to beat up Matt.

But we all know Brian.  He will not lose this verbal confrontation.  In order to get his point across and to ensure that he has the final word he goes WAY over the top and past the line.  Of course he has no idea what he is about to say, he just throws a combination of words together that he knows are bad words, he just doesn’t know what they mean.  It’s like the time he was calling Matt a homo.  Brian had no idea that homo was a derogatory way to make fun of someone who is gay.  He just called Matt that because Matt was still living at home.  Brian knew the word was bad, he had heard it used, how it was used and the reaction it got.  See, he pays attention better than we all think.  He just had no idea the real meaning, because he had never looked it up.  This was exactly the case here, because this is what he said:

• “Oh ya, well I have a nickname for the baby already, ‘Wussy Juicy P@$$y’.”

I know you are probably still a little shocked, but keep in mind Brian has no clue what he’s saying, he just knows it’s mean.  See, now it’s pretty funny.  Jami immediately told Brian that was unacceptable and that she was going to tell Carol what he just said.  Meanwhile Brian had rushed into the house to get his phone to call M to brag to her about what he had just done.  It was a crowning moment for Brian, he had just pissed someone off.

Thar she blows! Brian has caused yet another explosion from Mt. Carol.

Jami backed up her threat and went to go tell Carol.  Mount Carol erupted violently.  She shot up off the swings at Adena and ran in the house after Brian.  You could hear her yelling at him from the school, hell probably from Indiana.  Eventually she was able to explain why it was inappropriate and why he nor anyone else could call the baby, or anyone else that.  Brian eventually understood.

When he was asked where he had heard such a combination of words Brian did the typical Wenstrup maneuver, he through someone in front of the bus.  He said that he had heard it from Matt.  Nice.  Another opportunity to stick it to Matt, check.   Of course what Brian doesn’t realize is that Matt didn’t get in trouble nor would Matt have cared if someone yelled at him for it.

I do have trouble believing Brian’s debriefing though.  While he MIGHT have heard Matt use any or all of those words, he certainly never heard Matt use that particular grouping of those words.  There is no one in the world that would use that grouping of those words except perhaps a foreigner who doesn’t have full command of the English language.  We have all known that exchange student that first learns how to curse in English and we have them do it over and over again because the way they combine words is hilarious, same with Brian.  He curses so rarely and when he does, he really doesn’t know he is, so it makes it all the more funny.

For all those interested, Brian did come back out and apologize to Jami.  I think that once Carol explained what he had really just said Brian felt pretty bad about it.

But the damage is done, that baby will forever be WJP to me.  Thank you Brian.

Am I going to be an Uncle?

Brain could only HOPE to be as good of an uncle as Joey was.

I’m very sorry to say that I have a GREAT conversation with Brian saved in my phone for just this occasion, but it would appear that my phone will just randomly start deleting conversations without telling me.  So instead of being able to quote Brian’s normal ridiculousness, you will have to settle for my, not so great, memory.  I’m truly sorry, because this might have been one of the greatest conversations…EVER.

It all started with a text from Brian…..

“Am I going to be an uncle?”

He was obviously referring to his brother Matt and his girlfriend Jami’s big news about being pregnant.  However, I was hesitant to respond.  I had just found out a couple of days before hand, and thought they were trying to keep a tight lid on things until they went to the Dr and made this thing official.  And normally the LAST person you want to tell anything to is Brian.  He remembers everything and is quite the blabber mouth.

So, at this point I’m not sure if Matt and Jami have actually told him anything or if he over heard Matt and Jami telling John and Carol and he wasn’t really supposed to know anything.  So I test the waters….

“Why do you ask Brain?”

Prepare yourselves.  Prepare for one of the single funniest responses Brian has ever given in his life.  You might be concerned that I’m over hyping this, that it might not be as funny.  But nay.  There is no way that even I can ruin this, despite my wife calling me the “ruiner.”  Hell, I’m laughing about it now even before I type it, it never gets un-funny!

His response…..

“BC I heard Jami got knocked up.”

This is Matt and Jami according to Brian.

WHATTTTTTTTTT???  Did he just go and make Jami look like some prostitute?  Or like this was some bar hook up that went wrong.  She is not a hooker and they have been living together for over a year.  Good lord Brian, you act like this is 1930 or something!

What a hilariously terrible thing to say!  I mean of all the responses he could have given he chose that one.  You could almost hear his apathy through the text.  To be honest I had to re-read his response several times.  At first I was in shock and disbelief.  Then I was like a stereo-typed older black woman going with the “oh no he didn’t!” catch phrase.  Then I finally exploded in laughter and didn’t stop for 5 minutes.

When I finally was able to pick myself up off the floor and control myself enough that I could try to text back I shot Brian a reply.  I told him that yes he was going to be an uncle and that he probably shouldn’t refer to Jami as being knocked up, it’s rude and this is a happy event for Matt and Jami and he should be happy for them.

The rest of the conversation my phone did actually keep, so without further deliberation, he is the remainder of the wild ride that was the “pregnancy talk” with Brian.

Brian:  i’m really scared and freaked out.

Me: Why?

Brian:  becuz idk if this true or not

Me:  Why would that scare or freak you out?  And why don’t you think it’s true?

Brian:  becauz I thought u and J would have a baby first.

Me: Well, we’re not.  And it doesn’t really matter.  You should be happy for them, this is very exciting!

Brian:  plus my goofy bro. keeps messing with me so its very hard 2 believe him all the time.

Blam!  Brian took a shot at Matt now.  Although I have to say this one is completely appropriate.  Matt and Brian share the typical older brother/younger brother relationship.  Matt is older, so he relentlessly picks on Brian and play pranks on him.  So Brian is right not to trust Matt.  So I reassure him.

Me:  Well he is telling you the truth this time.  I promise.

Brian:  u promise me?

What the hell?  are you really going to question me again?  Yes I mess with Brian sometimes, but over all I am pretty up-front with him, why would he question me?  Turd.

Me:  Yes!

Brian:  Well, there goes my golf cart money.

Ahhhh, there is that famous Brian randomness.  I was beginning to get worried that we were going to have a whole conversation without him throwing something out there from DEEP left field, but not to worry it clearly has arrived.

Me:  Why?

Brian: becauz i may have 2 buy this kid new toys.

I guess Brian can kiss THIS pipe dream goodbye.

I can’t decide if he is being outrageously selfish, or if this is his attempt at trying to be a “good uncle.”  Either way, Brian is clearly confused about his role in all this.  I try to tell him that he can still “upgrade” his golf cart, the baby isn’t due for about 8 months at this point.  Plus it’s not like he will have to buy stuff every day or anything, just on birthdays and what not.

Brian then sends me one of the most cryptic texts he has ever sent me.  I will share it with you as a parting gift.  Think of it like a brain teaser, or a puzzle.  If you can figure out what he is trying to say then perhaps you are missing a calling.  You should be cracking codes for the government or something.  To be honest this conversation started at like 8:00 pm and this last text came through at about 11:00 pm.  I was tired and exhausted so I just didn’t have it in me to talk to him for another 30 minutes trying to have him explain what the hell it meant.  So, I reluctantly just let it go and went to sleep.

So here you are, a cyrpto-Brian-teaser!

As always I am leaving all Brain’s spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, it is important to keep the integrity of what Brian says to make sure you are just as confused as I am.  Good luck, and may the force be with you all.

Brian: “the main reason wwhy im so scared is becauz i might start feelin and might 1 in front of the new baby but when he gets a little older he won’t know what 2 do at all.”

HUH?????