Brian Corleone?

Does Brian command this much respect?

Like something only a Corleone would do, Brian recorded his dominance over a friend?  An enemy?  Both?  Who can tell?  Brian is that cunning.  He makes this kid nervous, but respectful.  Brian only has to raise his voice to get results and while Brian disrespects this young man he does it in a confident, cool way that makes you think he might not have meant it that way.

In all honesty, if you include the non-sensical text he sent me it is clear that Brian is just worn out and frustrated.  I think I have talked about this kid before, it’s the kid that Brian has to go to school with, the one that for whatever reason he is always annoying Brian, the kid with autism.  Yes that kid.  The kid that with two simple words, “boo” and “roar,”  can drive Brian to Sonny Corleone crazy.  But with the upcoming video, you see that he calmly and cooly sends a message to his friend just like Michael Corleone would have.

But first you have to read the text.  While this is cryptic, as usual, I was able to deduce what he was saying, so for those of you who struggle or just aren’t getting it and are ready to throw in the towel, I will give my abridged translations in the paragraph immediately following.

• this is the annoying guy im talkin about and i still have be in the same place with him next year i just wanted 2 either stay here where i am next year.  i just wanted 2 stay in the same building next year and let him go 2 the other building or me go 2 the other building and him stay back now the only thing i want 4 my birthday next year is to transfer back to the building im in now.

Yes for those of you counting at home, that is two sentences.  In all fairness that’s how Brian really talks though.  I mean, I could have actually been sitting right next to him hearing that exact word for word statement.  He is that random and all over the place with his facts.  What Brian is really doing here is capturing proof for, in all likely hood, me.  He didn’t send this video to anyone else, so clearly this so that I would finally see what Brian had to “put up with” all year.  It is not meant to be mean, or disrespectful, it’s just meant to have proof of their agreement so that Brian has confirmation in his mind that this kid will leave him alone next year.  So sit back and enjoy Brian doing his best Goodfellas impression.

Now it’s time for a video breakdown.  Did you guys get that Godfather vibe from that video too?  Are you worried that maybe that kid will wake up with a horse head in his bed?  To be honest, I still am even after watching that video a couple of times over.

Highlights:

• “Can you say hi to the video?” To Brian this is simply his introduction, his way to make sure everyone knows that we are starting.  A bit abrasive, but Brian likes to get right down to business.  Had this been something out of the Godfather, it would be a Corleone establishing dominance over the conversation by telling his friend what to do.

• He then politely asks his friend to PLEASE not say “boo” and “roar”, next year.  I know it sounds like Brian is saying ra, but it was later confirmed by Brian himself that it was roar, like what a lion does.  It’s nice to see Brian drop down some manners, but the reason I enjoy it so much is because of what he says in 3…2…1…

• “otherwise I might throw up.” Awwww snap!  Brian basically just told that kid, you annoy me to the point that I am so physically repulsed by you that you almost make me vomit.  If it was anyone else but Brian that’s a dirty move, but Brian is just brutally honest sometimes.  To be honest I have never seen or heard of Brian throwing up.  He might not even remember what a horrible, awful experience throwing up is, he probably heard the expression somewhere, someone else laughed at it, so Brian thought he would use it to get the same results.  He pays WAY more attention than people think.

• Next he decides that he should talk down to this kid some.  In a very condescending tone, he asks the kid to repeat back the verbal agreement that they had just made less than 5 seconds ago.  If we think about this in Corleone terms he is doing this to belittle him in front of others, but also to have something to play back to him when Brian and his thugs, Zach-attack and M, have him tied up in a warehouse after he has welshed on this deal before they beat him senseless.  For Brian he is simply at his wit’s end and he just wants to make sure that he wont have to put up with this kids antics for a full other year.  Brian is the king of deals that ONLY favor him.

• “Ooooorrrrrrrrr?” He wasn’t about to let that kid skate on only not saying ONE of those words.  Brian was determined to know that both words were part of the deal.  But if this was a movie this would be the ultimate show of power, wouldn’t it?  Brian proving that all he has to do is repeat one word and slightly inflect his voice.  He’s not going as far as to shout, but his voice has definitely been raised.  And he got exactly the response he was looking for.

• Followed by a quick little, under the breath almost, jab.  “Yeah, none of that, K?” Brian is making sure all his i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed.

• And he ends it by acting all cool with the guy.  “Cool.” Like yeah, we’re cool, only because you’re going to do exactly what I just told you to do.  Otherwise my goons and I are going to work you over harder than a NBA roster would work over Lindsay Lohan.  But for now, we’re cool.

• I can’t decide if Brian’s friend is quiet because he has autism, or because Brian is in fact annoying him, or if he is afraid of Brian?  I mean he just sits there and lets Brian ridiculously record this conversation.

Go back and watch it again and see if you can see both Brian being Brian, but also the possible Corleone connection.  Hysterically scary, scasterically.  Add it.

Possible loopholes:

• The kid can come up with new words.  I don’ t think that Brian has thought this all the way through.  Typical Sonny.  I think it’s more the fact that this kid is always in Brian’s face and maybe even just saying the same things over and over again.  What’s to stop him from coming up with two new words?

• The kid ignores Brian all together.  If I am indeed correct about this kid just being annoyed with Brian, then that whole time he was thinking, Yeah whatever kid, make your little video and act all tough now, but what are you really going to do when 5 minutes after you finish I get right in your face and boo it up?

It’s like the season finale.  Brian will be out of school soon and we will have to wait till the season picks up again in the fall before we find out how this will play out.  What a cliff hanger huh?

Blockbuster Debacle

This might as well be Brian's bedroom floor.

Brian has more gift cards than Lindsay Lohan has STD’s.  Every year since Brian turned 12 he has gotten a stack of gift cards like everyone else on Christmas and his birthday.

The problem is that Brian never really has the means to get out to use the cards unless someone is nice brave tolerant enough to take him shopping.  But this time Carol stepped up to the plate and took the bullet for the rest of us and took Brian on his gift card quest.

NOTE: I should mention this was a while ago.  It was during Bengals season, I just happened to run across these notes that I had taken after a phone conversation with Brian.

6:36 pm:

Brian has called me  so that I will tell Jes how much his movie was at Blockbuster.  First of all, I am amazed that he was able to find a Blockbuster still open.  Those things are more scarce than the Bald Eagle.  But more to the point, why the hell was Brian calling ME to tell Jesy how much his movie was?

No doubt Brian did try calling Jesy.  Brian almost always does the double call even if both people answer.  He treats everyone like separate entities.  If he has a specific question for me he will call me, and if he has a question for Jes, he will hang up and call her, even if she is sitting right next to me.

There is also the issue of Jesy only answering her phone 50% of the time.  Brian might have tried to call her to give her hell and then she never answered, so he called option number 2 and in this case that was me.

And off we go:

G:  Why do I have to tell Jess?

B:  Because she owes me money for the movie.

G:  Ummm, why?

B:  Because there wasn’t enough money on the card.

It is important to note that I had NO IDEA what he was talking about at this point.  So basically this is like almost any other conversation we have.  Brian calls me up and starts spouting off not realizing that I don’t have any of the background information necessary to give him any advice.  Now, back to our tale.

G:  What card?

B:  The card she gave me.

"Who gave you the card?" "No, Jesy did."

Ahhhhh Brain, extremely unhelpful as usual.  I have no idea if he does that shit on purpose or not.  If he does, it is brilliant, annoying and frustrating, but brilliant.  Talking to him sometimes is like having a conversation with Abbott and Costello.  “Who gave you the card?”  “Yes.”  Thanks for the help.

G:  When did she give you the card?

B:  I dunno, couple months ago.

Yeah, steel trap my ass.

G:  For your Birthday?

B:  Yeah.  Wait, no.  She just gave it to me.

G:  So she just randomly found it and gave it to you?

B:  Yeah.

Well, now we are getting somewhere, all be it slowly since Brian is doing his best impression of an angry 5-year-old and only giving me one word responses.

G:  So, why does Jesy owe you money?

B:  Because there was only $2 on the card and the movie was $12.

G:  Again, how is that Jesy’s issue?

B:  Because Mom had to pay the difference.

G:  Brian, when Jesy gave you that card there was no guarantee that anything was on it at all.  It was like a bonus, whatever was on there you could use to help make a purchase.

Brian now knows that this is a lost cause.  He was fired up and ready for me to take his side and make Jesy give mom the extra $10.  For whatever reason Brian thinks that I will always take his side when he concocts some sort of evil scheme to get at Jesy.

B:  Don’t worry I will piss and moan at Jes later.

Clearly Brian is picking up some lingo from his dad.

G:  Sooooooo, we are good right?

B:  Who do the Bengals play Sunday?

Time for Brian to call it quits.

The official white flag was just thrown.  Brian has switched gears and launched the most familiar subject he can think of at the time, the Bengals.

G:  Ummmmm, Pittsburgh.

B:  Ok, cool, thanks.

www.mileycyrusboyfriend.com

Brian secretly wish HE was in that car with Miley!

So my phone goes off last night, “HELP!  I need somebody, HELP!”  That’s right I gave Brian a distinct ringer, and what better than The Beatles, “Help!” right?

It was just after movie night and Rick and I were just hanging out, so I thought, ah what the hell, let’s see what Brian wants.  This is the following conversation between Rick, Brian and I.

• Yes Brian?

• Did you hear about Miley Cyrus?

At no point have I ever told Brian that I like Miley Cyrus, as a matter of fact I generally spend most of my time making fun of not only Brian for liking Miley, but his older brother Matt as well.  So, I am not quite sure at this point why Brian would think that I would have ANY interest in anything to do with the next “mother by the time she’s 20 and mental breakdown by the time she is 25.”  But that won’t stop Brian.

• No Brian, I have not heard anything about Miley Cyrus.

• [wejikf [qio4ut-q 4qrekfjq3o4i nu1v-340 2341 v4o0i =2430 =02943

Don't be alarmed, I know that last sentence doesn't make sense.  What you might not know is that Brian has a horrible mumbling problem sometimes.

• What Brian?

• jklansdvpbn a[lasoedij [  a[woeij f oai f[oijh [aslej[qwi lksdjf[asdk

• Miley Cyrus is going to move out of her parents house if she isn't allowed to live with her boyfriend.

• You can translate that?

• Yeah.

Thank god Rick was there, I might never have made it through that conversation (again, Rick is in the green)!

• Brian, why are you telling me this?

• I thought you would want to look it up on the internet.

• Brian how did you hear about it?

• On the internet.  I am on the internet with my PS3.

• Brian are you looking up porn?

• No George, God, frick!

• Well Brian that's what the internet is for, you know that right?

• Whatever George.

Brian just got the PS3 for Christmas, and of course it has pretty much consumed him since.  But, the new discovery is the internet on the PS3.  Matt came over a couple weeks ago and showed Brian how to surf for porn.  Of course Brian could care less about the porn, but this will allow him to cyber stalk Miley Cyrus.

• Alright Brian, just for you I will go look this up right now.  What website are you on?

• Google it.

• Google what?

• Google Miley Cyrus's boyfriend.

• Alright Brian I just did and I don't see any story about her leaving home.

• What website are you on Brian?

• Huh?

• In the address bar up at the top it should say http://www.something.com, do you see that?

• Yeah.

• Well what does it say?

Crazy bitch!

Getting Brian to give you valuable information is much like getting Rosie O’Donnell to stop being a fat bitch, it just ain’t going to happen.  Plus I am asking a virtually blind kid to find a web address.  I work in IT, getting anyone to give you a URL can be more complicated than what it is.

• It says http://www.mileycyrusboyfriend.com

• Are you sure it says that Brian?  That doesn’t sound right.

• Yeah that’s what it says.

I , of course, knew that it didn’t say that, but just for giggles I decided, at the cost of spam, to go to that exact “site.”

• Ummmm, Brian that is not a real site.

• Google it then.

• Brian I already did that, I got nothing.

• Try mileycyrusNEWboyfriend.com

• Ummm, same result Brian, I don’t think you know what I am talking about.

• OK, so when is mom coming home?

Alright a couple things here.  One, I have now clearly exhausted Brian’s enthusiasm for Miley Cyrus.  That is a blessing and a curse.  The blessing is that it was a ridiculous topic for me to be discussing with Brian anyway, what is that girl like 17?  I feel dirty for even talking about her this much.

Two, notice what Brian did there?  As always he changed the subjects faster than Lindsay Lohan can get her panties off.  Brian LOVES to talk, so if he feels we have exhausted one subject, Brian will not wait for a good segue, he will just dive in headlong into a new subject.

• Brian, I don’t know.  Why would I know what time mom is coming home?

• Well frick, she is at stupid dinner with Jes, why don’t you give Jes a call?

• I am not interrupting their night Brian, why can’t you just play Play Station or keep cyber stalking Miley Cyrus, or even better look at some porn like a normal 19-year-old kid?

• I need to know what time to go to bed.

• Brian, what time to you normally go to bed?

• I don’t know.

• You don’t know?  Brian you are 19, how do you not know what time you go to bed?

• I never look at a the clock.

At this point there is no use in arguing with Brian, just tell him what he wants to hear and get off the phone before he seamlessly transitions into another topic that will not even closely be related to the conversation he and I are currently having.

• Alright Brian, well it should be soon, so take your medicine and get ready.

• Well there is one pill that is too big, I don’t want to choke.

• Well take all the others and wait to take that one for when mom gets home.

• Alright, will do.

• Alright, see you tomorrow Brian.
  

• Alright, take care, will do.

I was a little sad to hang up the phone, I do love having these nonsensical conversations with Brian.  It allows me to see the world through Brian’s eyes, but it also makes me laugh, not at Brian, but how he interprets things.  And sometimes you just need a good laugh.