Brian Plays the Repeater!

"Hello, is Brian there?" "WTF? This thing must be broken!"

In typical Brian fashion, he called  me yesterday and then decided to keep texting me all night long.  Of course I’m just as guilty because I kept texting back, and why wouldn’t I?  Brian might be one of the most randomly entertaining people I know.  Yesterday we not only covered M issues, but also karaoke and Kat’s birthday.  It was a long night, but well worth it for the entertainment I now get to share with you!

The phone call should have been simple enough, but for some odd reason Brian was just stuck on one idea and would not let it go.  He was like a fat man holding on to the last sandwich he will ever eat.  Brian is becoming increasingly annoyed that when he and M go out to a movie, they always see what she wants to see.

I told him that simply isn’t fair and that instead they should alternate turns.  He should go see a movie that she wants to see and then she should see a movie he wants to see.  See, a very diplomatic solution, and everyone is happy.

Brian takes this as….”So I just shouldn’t see as many movies with M?”  No Brian that is not what I said.  I said that you should alternate.  You can still see as many movies as you want.  You should just take turns so that you get to see movies you want to see as well.

“So, I should just not see as many of her movies then?”  Dammit Brian, this isn’t complicated.  No, just take turns.  You can go see every movie she has ever wanted to see if you really want to, just as long as you are getting to pick movies as well.

“Well, I know I’m not going to see the goofy movie she wants to see today.”  Fine, whatever don’t go see it.  Hell, why did you even call me?  It sounds like you already have your mind made up.  Also, it sounds to me like you just have an issue with this one movie and not all of them.  Christ Brian you are so over dramatic, you are definitely Jesy’s brother.

“Well, I talked to Jesy earlier today and she said I should just go.”  Of course you did and of course she did.  Another trademark Brian move, lets ask everyone’s opinion until I get the answer I want.  What I didn’t know and found out later is that Brian told Jesy and I two different stories, of course.  He failed to mention to me that the movie was FREE!  Had I known that I would have told him to just suck it up and go, it’s free, what will you be out if you didn’t like it?  Two hours of Playstation 3?

The phone conversation continues.  I suggest that he go see movies that M doesn’t like with his friends, that’s what I do.  I told him that Jesy and I take turns, but sometimes there are movies of hers that i have no desire to waste my life on and she feels the same way about some of my movies, therefore we just go with our friends.  Brian liked this idea and decided that he could go to the movies that M doesn’t like with all his nick-named friends, like Zach-Attack.  Fine, whatever.

Then about an hour later I get a text from Brian:

Unless your girlfriends mom is Sarah Palin. Then, by all means call her!

Brian: “do you think callin yr girlfriends moms cell is a little strange?”

Me: A little, I guess it depends on why you were calling…..why were you calling?

Brian: Im tryin 2 see if M wants 2 go2 camp with us this weekend 2 see what we do on a holiday weekend at camp.

First of all what is his deal with G’s?  Why does he hate using them so much?  Did a G word offend him at some point?  I must follow-up with that sometime.  Also, I hate that he is using numbers as words.  Dammit Brian stop typing like a 13-year-old girl!

Me: So why don’t you just ask M?  And did you make sure it was OK with mom and dad first?

Brian: we r goin 2 find that out now.

Huh?  Could you be more vague?  What are you going to find out?  I asked you two questions and you responded with an answer that could apply to either.  If I didn’t know any better I would have thought that he did that on purpose.

Me: What are you going to find out now?

Brian: If she is goin 2 camp this weekend with us.

Are you freaking serious?  You still didn’t answer my question.  He has to be doing this on purpose, right?  I can see him on the other end with that weird creepy smile he does when he thinks whatever he is doing is hilarious.  Keep it up Brian.  Time for me to be even more direct.

Me: So, are you asking mom and dad right now?

I’ve been around long enough to know that Brian would totally ask M to go to camp for the whole weekend and THEN ask mom and dad if it was OK.  I’m just trying to save Brian a headache and me another call later by making sure he asks mom and dad now.  Because God knows that if He asks M and THEN asks mom and she says no I will get another call from Brian telling me how he is pissed at mom with only about half the details to the story.  I’m not really in the mood to play Sherlock Holmes with Brian today.

Brain: ive already talked 2 mom about it and she said its cool

Wow, well done Brian, perhaps you ARE learning?

Me: Oh, so you are asking M right now.  Good.

It only took 20 minutes and rephrasing the question three times, but we finally got there.  Whew.  But there is more.  Brian then launches into some tangent about frisbee golf at camp.  That is one thing I love about Brian, if he gets into something there is no stopping him.  He is super stoked to be participating in our revised version of frisbee golf at camp.  He goes on to try to convince Jesy and I to come out to camp this weekend to play frisbee golf with him and dad.  I told him that this weekend was too busy and that we would not be able to make it out there.

Brian, of course remembered that it was Jesy’s cousin and closest friend’s, Kat, birthday this weekend so he knew why we could not be there.  I saw this as an opportunity to throw Kat under the bus and maybe get Brian in trouble for bad mouthing her.  Operation “Set Brian up” was born.

Me: Yeah, she is pretty selfish, so we have to stick around here and do something with her.

Brian: who kat or kaka?

Sweet!  Brian is not only walking into my trap, but he is even throwing Jesy into the mix too!  This is going to be beautiful!

Me: Both!  They are crazy women!

Come on Brian bite dammit!  Take that bait and run with it!

Brian: why dont they bring the party 2 camp.  god dang a little of our fam is gonna be there. so why not have it there?

Damn, Brian’s not biting, he’s too wrapped up in his own little world.  I do love the harsh language though.  “God dang” is about the closest to cursing that you will ever hear Brian mutter, unless it is a word he heard Matt use and has no idea what it means.

But I was not to be detoured.  I wanted him to throw them both under the bus so bad, it would have been hysterical.  So I press on.

Me: Because they are crazy, that’s why they aren’t coming!

Brian: they r miss out on the fun.

Let me get out my handy-dandy Brian Translator.  Ohhhhh, you are saying that they are going to miss out on all the fun at camp this weekend.  Still not biting though, time to throw in the towel.  Brian is an oblivious genius.

Me: I guess so Brain.  Well played sir.

Brian, however was concerned not just about the frisbee golf, but the big dance Saturday night.  It’s really too bad to because Kat is single and I’m sure that she could find the man of her dreams at the Fox Run Fourth of July Dance.  You know, if she’s into 13-year-old boys trying to act like they are really cool with all the line dances they know.

I was ready for this conversation to be over.  Brian had let me down, he refused to throw Kat and Jesy under the bus, my fun was over.  So, I merely respond with:

Me: Oh well, sucks for them I guess.

Brian was feeling frisky though, he wanted to make sure that I felt bad that we were not going to camp this weekend.

Brian: yeah and i know xhuck (Chuck, the DJ at the dance) would have played kat a birthday song 2.

Ah-ha, another opening.  Thank you Brian and your persistence.  Time to get Kat a birthday present!

Me: Would you sing karaoke to Kat?  Maybe a Miley Cyrus song?

I know Brian hates Miley Cyrus’ music.  He might find her hot like his older brother Matt, but he hates her music, no way is he going to go for this.

Brian: sure no prob.  i would be happy 2 do that 4 kat

Awwww, look, she's blowing Kat a kiss for her birthday!

WHAT??!!  Awesome!  Kat not only has to but up with Brian’s wordless singing, but she has to sit through an entire Miley Cyrus song as well.  Best birthday present ever!

Me: She would love that Brian!

Brian: i will sing 2 kat on her birthday but u have 2 get her 2 come 2 camp and im stickin 2 my promise im not backing down.

What the hell Brian?  Why are you playing hardball suddenly?  I mean I have already told you that we aren’t coming to camp, what is your deal man?

Me: Can she get a rain check?

Brian: on what?

Seriously?  What do you think?  How about the thing that we were just talking about 5 seconds ago?  Have you been drinking shoe polish over there or what?

Me: On you singing Miley Cyrus to Kat for her birthday!

Brian: sure.

Me: Good deal!

Thank god it’s finally over, that was getting pretty painful!  But wait, what’s this?

Brian: i’ll sing amy song she wants but no camp no singing.

Me: Roger that.

Brian is really driving home his point.  I guess he REALLY wants us out at camp.  Oh well he knows we can’t, I’m sure he gets it at this point.  But wait…..

Brian: if u guys dont come 2 camp i don’t sing.

Me: Yeah, I understand what you are saying.

Holy shit Brian, when did you start playing the repeater?  I get it, if we aren’t there you won’t sing.  I mean why would you sing to Kat if she wasn’t there?  I can put two and two together and get four, don’t worry little buddy.  But Brian was really trying to drive home a point.

Brian: if u guys dont come 2 camp this weekend i dont sing at all this weekend.

Oki-silly-dokie-yo!

Me: Brian, I completely understand what you are saying.  I get it.  I promise!

WTF??!!  Damn Brian, lay off for a second!  And I swear that he sent all those texts, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried!

Brian: good thanks now if u really want me 2 sing will might want 2 talk 2 jess.

GOOD GOD MAN!  ENOUGH WITH THE REPEATER!  And that was the end of this conversation.  Brian had evidently set his brain to the broken record-setting which would be enough to drive anyone mad!

So score another one for Brian.  And possibly me if I can somehow convince him to perform his wonderful karaoke for Kat’s birthday at a later date, but as of now that is still in limbo.  I mean he did say that he would allow a rain check, but then he contradicted himself in triplicate, so who knows?  Fingers crossed.

Do you like Chinese people?

Pop quiz, how many "Chinese" people do you see here?

Jesy and I decided to go up and visit her uncle Glenn (Scrooge) and Brian and have dinner with them last night.  Glenn had been “babysitting” Brian for the last week while John and Carol were on the cruise with Jesy, Matt, Jami and I.  We figured that Glenn could use some adult conversation and a break from Brian’s wackiness.  Glenn might be the most patient person on Earth to be able to not only tolerate Brian, but to willingly volunteer to watch over him for two weeks.  Sainthood is in his future.  Plus, it was a good opportunity to say hi to Brian, who we had not seen since before the cruise and give him his gift we got him while in Haiti.  Little did I know what was in store, but I really should have figured it would be something.

As we sit down to eat dinner Brian leans close to me and does his best to whisper, which in reality is only slightly quieter than screaming and tells me to “watch this.”  My interest is immediately peaked.  How could it not be?  When Brian says to “watch this”, it can only spell disaster or hilarity.  Normally both.

He looks at Jesy straight-faced and asks her if she likes Chinese people.  WHAT?  For a split second we all just sat there and stared trying to process what the hell he just asked.  One of us might have even asked him to repeat it just to make sure that we heard him correct, but there was no mistaking, Brian just asked Jesy if she liked Chinese people.  After the initial shock finally wore off Jesy asked Brian what the hell he was talking about and what relevance it had to ANYTHING.  Brian, stubborn but with purpose just asked her the same question again, do you like Chinese people?  Jesy cautiously and curiously answered yes but again asked him why it mattered.

Are you ready for this?

His response was, “Well then you should watch Never Back Down.” Remember that horrifying movie that I have told you that Brian has been trying to get Jesy and I to watch for like 6 months? Well, Brian with his steel trap memory and stubborn determination to make sure we watch it has reared it’s ugly head yet again.

Two amazing events just happened.  One, Brian is getting smarter.  Two, he deliberately set Jesy up.  I have to admit it was almost perfect!  Why almost?  Well, I’ll get to that in a little bit.  Jesy looked like she just got hit in the face by Mike Tyson.  Brian had trapped her, had out-smarted her.  She didn’t have two legs to stand on.  It might be one of the single greatest moments Brian has ever had.  Not to worry though, he would quickly return to typical Brian form in 3…2…1….

I asked Brian why the hell was he so hung up on this movie and he said it looked good.  Wait, what?  When he handed me this movie 6 months ago he told me that it WAS a good movie, as in he had already watched it and it WAS so good that Jesy and I would really like it.  Of course IF that were true, Brian clearly has no idea what our movie tastes are, especially concerning Jesy.  But lets backtrack for a second.  Brian, did you not actually watch this movie?  Because you just said it LOOKED good, not it WAS good.  Nope.  He apparently watched 5 minutes of it and just thought it would be good.  What the hell Ebert?  How are you making judgements on movies after 5 minutes?  Did Brian just suddenly turn into Jay Sherman?

Watch out Jay, Brian's aiming for your job!

But it gets better.  Remember that initial question he asked?  The one that seemingly came form left field?  The one that might or might not be racist?  ”Do you like Chinese people?”  That one.  Yeah, well when I got home I got to thinking about that question as I was starting to write this blog and I went downstairs to get the DVD to confirm my suspicions.  And I was right, there are no “Chinese” people in this movie.  It’s a bunch of white kids and a black guy.  It’s an action movie with fighting, after watching just about every Jackie Chan movie to date Brian clearly was just assuming that this was another “Jackie Chan” type movie.  This of course calls into question whether or not Brian actually watched 5 minutes of this movie, or whether he actually even ever looked at the cover of the damn DVD that showcases all the before mentioned white kids and one black guy.

Well Brian, looks like you are busted.  Busted for having horrendous movie taste, busted for lying and busted for possibly, albeit unknowingly, being a racist.

Just another conversation with Brian.

Brian; “But I didn’t do anything wrong.”

I should really start paying more attention to the warning signs.

Brian strikes again.  No more than 5 minutes after I walk in the door from work I hear, “HELP!  I need somebody, HELP!”  Yup, it must be Brian.  What kind of landmine will I be walking into today?  Well, no time like the present to find out….

Me:  Hey Brian, whats up?

Brian:  I’m sick of this crap.  I almost got in trouble the last two days.  I mean I’m not in trouble, but I am sick of hearing them talk to us.

Me:  What?!

Brain:  You know that kid that always picks on me at school?

Me:  You mean the kid that has autism that hugs you and says boo to you?  The kid that is probably trying to be your friend?  That kid?

Brian:  Yeah him, he gets on my nerves.  Well it is all his fault.

Me:  Brian I feel like I am watching Memento for the first time.  I have no freaking idea what the hell you are talking about.

Brian:  I’m sick of getting in trouble for something I’m not doing and I am sick of being late for the bus.

Me:  Whoa there Tonto.  Let’s back up.  My head is spinning faster than that kid from The Exorcist.  Who is yelling at you?

Brian:  The teachers.

Keep in mind at this point I am only half paying attention.  I mean these conversations are pretty typical with Brian.  If I’m right, and I generally am with this stuff, Brian is just being over dramatic.  But what Brian is about to say very much caught my attention.  Prepare yourselves.

Me:  So the teachers were yelling at you.  Just you, or a lot of people?  And what were you getting yelled at for anyway?

Brian:  They were yelling at everyone in the class.  They were yelling at us for hugging, kissing, and lying.

Me:  Whoaaaaaaaaaaa.  They were yelling at you for what?

I thought I heard him correct, but again I was only half paying attention and like the phone assassin that Brian is he snuck in some gory details there.

See, it could be worse, the kids could be making out with themselves.

Brian:  For hugging, kissing and lying.

Well, I heard him correct, now the question is, how does hugging, kissing and lying all fit together…..

Me:  Brian, let me see if I have this right.  There are kids in your class, perhaps the kid that always “picks on” you, that are going around the school kissing and hugging each other and then lying to the teachers about it.  So now they are talking to your whole class about it telling them not to do it anymore correct?

Brian:  Yeah.  But I’m not doing anything wrong.

This of course makes sense, M is at a different school and Brian would NEVER cheat, it wouldn’t even cross his mind.  So clearly he isn’t one of the students that is causing the trouble.

Me:  Well Brian I think the teachers either don’t want to single anyone out, or they really don’t know who is doing it, so they are just talking to everyone to make sure everyone knows the rules.

Brian:  But why are they talking to me.  I feel like I did something wrong when they talk to me like that, but I didn’t do anything.

It was like I didn’t even say anything.

Me:  Brian, focus.  Listen to me.  They teachers have to talk to everyone.  They don’t want to embarrass anyone or they just don’t know who is actually doing it.  So they just have to talk to everyone to be safe, OK?

Brian:  Yeah I guess that makes sense, but I didn’t do it, so I wish they wouldn’t make me sit there.  It makes me late for my bus.

Me:  Brian it can’t make you more than 5 minutes late, you will be fine.  Plus I am sure that the teachers let the bus drivers know that you will be a little late.

Brian:  Well I don’t understand why they have to take us all out as a group, they didn’t used to.

Me:  Because they want to make sure that no one sneaks off to go make out.

Brian:  I won’t.  So just let me go, so I’m not late.

Uh-oh.  Brian is starting to tune me out.  Brian tends to have a single-minded focus.  What started as concern about being in trouble has now turned into concern about the bus leaving him.

Me:  Again, Brain, they have to keep you all together.  They can’t single people out like that.  You are just going to have to deal with this for the time being.  Look, clearly you didn’t do anything wrong, so just sit there and listen and know that they aren’t talking to you.  And trust me, that bus isn’t going anywhere without you.  If it did they would have to face an angry Carol, and no one wants that.

Brian:  OK, what time does Xavier play Friday?

Ahhhhh, another one of Brian’s famous u-turns.  You never really know if you reached him or not, but clearly he is done talking about it.

Me:  I don’t know Brian, it’s Tuesday, I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.  Plus I will be at the Circus with Jes, so I doubt I will get to watch it.

Brian:  OK, well let me know when you find out.

Me:  Will do.

Brian:  Alright, will do.

Now, if you think that is the end, it isn’t.  It actually gets better.  The funny part is I knew this was going to happen.  We, as in the whole family, has had the discussion with Brian that if you call one of us, don’t call the other.  We live together, we talk, we will share with each other, there is no reason to call both of us.

Jesy walks in the door maybe 15 minutes after my conversation with Brian.  Typically Jesy is on the phone when she walks in the door, but within hearing the first three words I knew who she was talking to and what they were talking about.

It was Brian and he was giving her the same damn story that he had just given to me!

GOD DAMMIT BRIAN!

I bolted out of the computer room like I was a homeless guy chasing a Big Mac.  I start screaming over Jesy so that Brian can hear me on the other side.  Jesy upon hearing that Brian and I had already had this conversation tells Brian, “Brian this is ridiculous, you already called George, I’m hanging up, bye.”  Click.  She didn’t even give him time to formulate an argument, it was beautiful.

But it doesn’t end there, Oh no, Brian is still fired up, especially after being hung up on.  I get a text less than 5 minutes later.

Brian:  if i have 2 sit through this again tomorrow i’m going 2 go super crazy.

Me:  Just tune it out.  You will be fine I promise.

Clearly I am worn out.  I am trying to comfort him and end this madness.  I just don’t have it in me for this to go on for another hour.  Sadly Brian has other ideas.

Brain:  i have my teachers cell number and i’m going 2 go super crazy if i have 2 sit through this again.

Great, some silly teacher armed Brian with a cell number.  Poor fool.  I was tempted to tell Brian to call the teacher then, but felt pity for them and decided better of it.  Some people just don’t understand what giving Brian your cell means.  He will NEVER forget it.  When Brian puts that number in his phone it is also being programmed in his brain.  I even tried to erase my number from his phone once, imagine my surprise when I get a text from him days later telling me that “I’d just been served.”  Good luck there teach!

Me:  Brian, I would recommend not getting to crazy with that phone number buddy.

Brian:  mom dad and i r going 2 talk about

Brian:  ok!

Brian:  not going to get super crazy with the phone number if i have to sit through this horse crap again then will get super crazy.

Wow, where to begin?  Clearly Brian was typing before I responded.  First off, why tell me that you and mom and dad are going to talk about it, and why wasn’t that the first phone call?  Second, why tell me about the cell phone if you aren’t going to use it?  and third……

Maybe Brian meant he would call the wrestler, Super Crazy, and have him take care of business?

Me:  What do you mean super crazy?

I figured since he had mentioned it about three times already I should figure out what the hell “super crazy” means.  I mean, is he going to shoot up the school, or is he just going to bitch about it?

Brian:  if i have 2 sit through this agin then i’m goin 2 blame my teachers 4 makin me sit through it then they will not like that at all.

What is his problem with putting g’s on the end of words?

Me:  That sure doesn’t sound crazy.

Brian:  i will just get very mad and be like somebody else like one of my classmates.

Me:  What do you mean?

At this point I was trying to work out, so I just left the phone on the counter and tried to forget about Brian and his nonsense.  Sadly after the workout Brian had blown me up three times.  All of them said the same thing and didn’t even come close to answering my question.

Brian x 3:  1 boy says bad things but i would like to be in the quiet room while all this is goin on they makin me sound like i did somthin really bad witch makes me really upset.

First of all, YOU are making yourself sound Jamaican.  Secondly, you still haven’t answered my question.  And third, this conversation has gone on for about three hours now, I think I have run out of energy to try to get to the bottom of this.

If any of you know Brian, please feel free to ask him what the hell he meant by “super crazy,” and report back.  Oh, and good luck!

Brian’s Cruisin’ for a Brusin’.

Yup, Brian's ready for the cruise alright.

Interestingly enough Brian decided to call Jesy last night with his full-blown emergency.  Normally Brian calls me, but I think that is when he needs advice between the hours of 8 am till about 5 pm.  He knows better than to call Jesy at work, so he bothers me during that time.  Luckily I was there and demanded that she put it on speaker phone.  The following is the result of that phone call.

Brian:  M asked me to go on a cruise with her and I don’t know what to do.

Us:  What do you mean you don’t know what to do?

Brian:  Like should I go or not.

At this point Jesy and I are just looking at each other trying to figure out the logistics behind Brian going on a cruise and with another family on top of that.  While our brains were digesting that, the questions continued.

Us:  Brian, are you sure M asked you to go on this cruise?

Brian:  Yeah.

Us:  When is this cruise Brian, where are they going?

Brian: they’re going in 3 weeks.

Jesy: Brian, you just can’t randomly go on a cruise in 3 weeks without planning.  You might have to get a passport and that takes 4-6 weeks.  Sorry pal!

Brian: Oh, yeah.

Us:  We don’t think you should go Brian.

Brian:  Yeah I was kind of thinking that, but I wasn’t sure.

Us:  Brian, you wouldn’t have any fun on a cruise.  There is no TV, no video games and you will have to hang out with M all day every day for as long as the cruise is.  Hell Brian you call us half the time complaining about M, could you really put up with her for a whole week, just you and her?

Brian watching TV on the cruise. What's wrong buddy, no reception? Hope that thing wasn't a carry on!

Brian:  That’s true, but I can just watch TV

Us:  Brian we just told you, there is no TV, you are in the middle of the ocean.

Brian:  Frick.

Us:  Plus Brian what are you going to do about medication and what happens if you have a seizure?  Brian, one of us would have to go with you, that’s just the bottom line.  Where’s mom, let’s talk to her.

Brian:  She’s on the phone with Mrs. Hientzman.

At this point it was clear that this whole idea was ridiculous.  I was starting to suspect that Brian had either got the story wrong or he was missing some important facts.  but that is half the fun in a Brian story, getting to the actual facts.  Mom would help clear that up, but she was on the phone with Judy, and god only knows how long a conversation between those two could last.  I might have another birthday before we get this settled.

We decide to keep talking to Brian and wait out the Carol/Judy conversation, hoping to get to the bottom of all this.  We just keep spitting out more reasons why this is a bad idea and Brian just keeps repeating himself over and over.

“I just didn’t know what to do.”

“Well she asked me and I was like what, huh.”

“Yeah, I didn’t know what was going on.”

Those same three things or a variation of them for the next 5 minutes until Carol finally decided to inhale.  So, we finally get Carol on the horn and ask her the pivotal question, “what the hell is going on?”

Carol explains that M STATED, not asked, that it would be nice IF Brian could go on the cruise with them.

GOD DAMMIT BRIAN!  That little shit got us again.  Hell we probably talked to him for 20 minutes trying to think about this rationally and trying to explain to him why this was a bad idea.  Trying to help him and make sure he understands.

All that for nothing, she never even freaking asked him to go.  Are you serious?

Jesy was PISSED to say the least.  She demanded that Carol hand the phone back to Brian, as she was passing off the phone you could hear Carol tell Brian, “That’s bullshit Brian.”  Well said Carol.

Even George was astounded at the word combinations Jesy was using.

Once Brian gets the phone back Jesy launches into a fit of screaming and cursing that would have made George Carlin blush.  She was just burying Brian with reprimands.

Brian’s only response, “What, do you think I knew?”

Dammit Brian you should know better than that by now.  Are you serious?  How are you going to call people with a sudo emergency and not have the facts straight?  I mean you seemed pretty sure before and now you are back peddling faster that John Edwards.

All that for nothing, 30 minutes of our lives that we will never get back.  And some parting advice for Brian.  “Just the facts ma’am, just the facts.”

Blockbuster Debacle

This might as well be Brian's bedroom floor.

Brian has more gift cards than Lindsay Lohan has STD’s.  Every year since Brian turned 12 he has gotten a stack of gift cards like everyone else on Christmas and his birthday.

The problem is that Brian never really has the means to get out to use the cards unless someone is nice brave tolerant enough to take him shopping.  But this time Carol stepped up to the plate and took the bullet for the rest of us and took Brian on his gift card quest.

NOTE: I should mention this was a while ago.  It was during Bengals season, I just happened to run across these notes that I had taken after a phone conversation with Brian.

6:36 pm:

Brian has called me  so that I will tell Jes how much his movie was at Blockbuster.  First of all, I am amazed that he was able to find a Blockbuster still open.  Those things are more scarce than the Bald Eagle.  But more to the point, why the hell was Brian calling ME to tell Jesy how much his movie was?

No doubt Brian did try calling Jesy.  Brian almost always does the double call even if both people answer.  He treats everyone like separate entities.  If he has a specific question for me he will call me, and if he has a question for Jes, he will hang up and call her, even if she is sitting right next to me.

There is also the issue of Jesy only answering her phone 50% of the time.  Brian might have tried to call her to give her hell and then she never answered, so he called option number 2 and in this case that was me.

And off we go:

G:  Why do I have to tell Jess?

B:  Because she owes me money for the movie.

G:  Ummm, why?

B:  Because there wasn’t enough money on the card.

It is important to note that I had NO IDEA what he was talking about at this point.  So basically this is like almost any other conversation we have.  Brian calls me up and starts spouting off not realizing that I don’t have any of the background information necessary to give him any advice.  Now, back to our tale.

G:  What card?

B:  The card she gave me.

"Who gave you the card?" "No, Jesy did."

Ahhhhh Brain, extremely unhelpful as usual.  I have no idea if he does that shit on purpose or not.  If he does, it is brilliant, annoying and frustrating, but brilliant.  Talking to him sometimes is like having a conversation with Abbott and Costello.  “Who gave you the card?”  “Yes.”  Thanks for the help.

G:  When did she give you the card?

B:  I dunno, couple months ago.

Yeah, steel trap my ass.

G:  For your Birthday?

B:  Yeah.  Wait, no.  She just gave it to me.

G:  So she just randomly found it and gave it to you?

B:  Yeah.

Well, now we are getting somewhere, all be it slowly since Brian is doing his best impression of an angry 5-year-old and only giving me one word responses.

G:  So, why does Jesy owe you money?

B:  Because there was only $2 on the card and the movie was $12.

G:  Again, how is that Jesy’s issue?

B:  Because Mom had to pay the difference.

G:  Brian, when Jesy gave you that card there was no guarantee that anything was on it at all.  It was like a bonus, whatever was on there you could use to help make a purchase.

Brian now knows that this is a lost cause.  He was fired up and ready for me to take his side and make Jesy give mom the extra $10.  For whatever reason Brian thinks that I will always take his side when he concocts some sort of evil scheme to get at Jesy.

B:  Don’t worry I will piss and moan at Jes later.

Clearly Brian is picking up some lingo from his dad.

G:  Sooooooo, we are good right?

B:  Who do the Bengals play Sunday?

Time for Brian to call it quits.

The official white flag was just thrown.  Brian has switched gears and launched the most familiar subject he can think of at the time, the Bengals.

G:  Ummmmm, Pittsburgh.

B:  Ok, cool, thanks.

Brian is not to be messed with.

Dear God, why Brian?

It started like any other day.  Brian had decided to text me, yet again while I was at work.  This kid has a mind like a steel trap and yet continuously forgets that I don’t leave work until at least 4pm?  My gut feeling is that like any teenager Brian tends to hear what he wants to hear, which he WILL remember, but his version might be a little distorted depending on what he decided to hear.

Anywho, Brian sends me a text at 3:04pm:

“go 2 this website later http://www.grooveshark.com and put in alvin and the chip munks.”

Well, this was clearly going to be a disaster.  Let’s just start with a quick break down of the text.  ”go 2.”  I will forgive Brian on the grammar, but I hate the “using a number to replace a word” thing.  Could we be any more lazy?  Ugh.  Chip munks?  Brian are you talking about chipmunks the cute furry little woodland creatures that are sometimes confused as the offspring of a squirrel and a gerbil?  Or are you talking about a bunch of Monks named Chip, but they can’t tell any better because they took a vow of silence?  Brian, I can not emphasize how your lack of the English language is hilarious and confusing all at the same time.  Thank you, I think.

Brian has done a lot of growing up in the last few years, I can admit that.  He is becoming a dude.  He loves sports, he might watch more sports than I do, matter of fact i am sure he does.  He is constantly updating me on anything I have ever told him that I am even mildly interested in.  Five years ago I told him that I occasionally watched wrestling.  I haven’t watched it since my friend Kyle moved to Columbus, it was only fun to watch it with him.  But Brian will still call me every time certain wrestlers are wrestling because Brian is a freaking steel trap.  He is opening up and talking about feelings that he has and is looking for advice.  He likes to just hang out.  If only we could get him to cut his weird expressions and sayings in half you might be able to hang out with him for more than a couple hours without wanting to strangle him!

But saying all that I can not figure out why this kid loves the chipmunks so much?  It’s like that one thing we all have from our childhood that we can never seem to let go.  I know I have a few.  Brian went to see both movies and loved them each time.  It just baffles me.  So after going to this website and seeing what the hell it was, I responded the only way I could.

“Brain, that is horrible.”

Whatever, you all were thinking it too.

Brian comes right back with:

“its good show it 2 jess.”

I think we all know already how I feel about that damn “2.”  Interestingly Brian goes with “jess” here.  He normally goes with “kaka,” an old, unfortunate, nickname for my wife.  Something is a miss, must keep my eyes open.

Excited to share this hilarious treasure chest I gave Brian a simple “Oh I will!”  Intending fully to share this with Jess immediately when she got home.

Brian, clearly still unreasonably excited comes back again with:

“let me know what she has say.”

What I SHOULD have responded with was, “Yeah, sure, anything you want retarded RoboCop.”  But Brian would not have gotten that joke.  Holy crap, I just looked it up, I saw that movie three years before Brian was born.  Ugh, that didn’t feel good, I knew I shouldn’t have looked that up.  So, instead I went with a simple, “Roger, will do.”

Brian, seemingly is about to burst at the stitches, because within seconds he fires back with a “good!”  He had to have started typing it before I sent my reply, it’s the only answer.  The kid moves slower than a fat kid in wet clothes.  There is no way he was able to hunt and peck on the tiny keyboard for the three different letters he needed, PLUS find the symbol button so that he could use the exclamation point.  Either that or he is so excited that he is moving at super Brian speed, which incidentally is normal human speed.  Vegas odds has it at 50/50.

I thought at this point it might be good to switch gears.  I didn’t want Brian to pee himself in excitement.  Knowing that he might not have gone to school today depending on what the Doctor had said the day before I simply asked him, “Did you go to school today?”

Bad move.  I just opened Pandora’s box.  Prepare yourselves for quite the ride.  Brian’s response:

“yeah and I started 2 fall asleep because of my sergery and it was hard 4 me to wake up i couldn’t stay a wake at all.”

A virtual wonderland of grammar and spelling mistakes.  If this were English class his paper would be bleeding worse than any cast member from “Reservoir Dogs.”  But all that aside I find it funny, that he won’t capitalize his “I’s”, but he will take the time to put in the apostrophe in couldn’t.

Anyone that knows Brian knows he is a pain in the ass to get up in the morning and he is quite the over-dramatic.  I figured this was one of those times, so I just responded back with a simple “Wussy.”

Clearly I crossed a line.  Silence for a whole 11 minutes.  I was starting to get concerned, did my verbal attack just devastate Brian?  Then finally I hear the sweet chime of my text message on my phone, “Guess who?”  as only Herbert from “Family Guy” can do it.  Brian responds twice, quickly.  Like the phone assassin we all know he is, he comes back with two quick strikes.

“yeah.”

“i’m tellin kaka i’m not one 2 be mess with today.”

Wow.  I broke his spirits and now he is going to rat me out.  Clearly Brian is back and ready for a fight.  Or was he?  Was he simply just stating a fact, that he was going to tell Jess because Brian tells everyone when he is in a bad mood, multiple times.  I better clarify.

I leave Brian's texts as is. It's like a game while you read, decipher Brain's code!

“Why?  Do you think she will mess with you?”

Brian:

“no.”

Me:

“Then why are you telling her that you aren’t to be messed with today?

Brian:

“because i’m very tired from my sergery.”

It should be noted that Jesy had walked in the door at this point and she had just finished talking to Brian, who had indeed called to tattle on me.  I told her the back story, because Brian always leaves key details out of a story when he is painting himself as the victim.  We were both laughing and I decided to call Brian out for being a tattle tale.

“Then take a nap.  I can’t believe you called Jesy to tell on me Brian, that is third grade crap.”

An hour later.

Brian:

“i just did take a nap and u want 2 start the name callin.  at this rate it was time 4 a serving.  u know whats annoying u callin names today.”

Me:

“Brian your attitude is annoying.”

HA!  Take that you little smart mouth.  He can’t recover from that one, I just know he can’t.

Brian:

“u want 2 mess with somebody how about my girlfriend.”

Oh no.  Brian really is making his girlfriend fight his battles for him.  Ouch, I take back all that Brian turning into a man talk earlier.  I knew I was on thin ice when I mentioned his chipmunk fetish, but this blows it.  If he has to threaten me proxy, via his girlfriend, well we have problems.  What happened Brian?  You used to be such a fighter, Matt still probably has the teeth scars to prove it.  Side note: Brian was a biter for a while.

Me:

“Brian, are you a 19-year-old man or what?  You better learn to fight your own battles.”

15 minutes later.

Brian:

“yup.”

Talk about anti-climatic!  That’s how you are going to leave this mess, with a yup?  All that for a “yup?!”

I guess you can chalk this up as a win in Brian’s column.  I’m more confused than a nun at bachelorette  party.