Brian Plays the Repeater!

"Hello, is Brian there?" "WTF? This thing must be broken!"

In typical Brian fashion, he called  me yesterday and then decided to keep texting me all night long.  Of course I’m just as guilty because I kept texting back, and why wouldn’t I?  Brian might be one of the most randomly entertaining people I know.  Yesterday we not only covered M issues, but also karaoke and Kat’s birthday.  It was a long night, but well worth it for the entertainment I now get to share with you!

The phone call should have been simple enough, but for some odd reason Brian was just stuck on one idea and would not let it go.  He was like a fat man holding on to the last sandwich he will ever eat.  Brian is becoming increasingly annoyed that when he and M go out to a movie, they always see what she wants to see.

I told him that simply isn’t fair and that instead they should alternate turns.  He should go see a movie that she wants to see and then she should see a movie he wants to see.  See, a very diplomatic solution, and everyone is happy.

Brian takes this as….”So I just shouldn’t see as many movies with M?”  No Brian that is not what I said.  I said that you should alternate.  You can still see as many movies as you want.  You should just take turns so that you get to see movies you want to see as well.

“So, I should just not see as many of her movies then?”  Dammit Brian, this isn’t complicated.  No, just take turns.  You can go see every movie she has ever wanted to see if you really want to, just as long as you are getting to pick movies as well.

“Well, I know I’m not going to see the goofy movie she wants to see today.”  Fine, whatever don’t go see it.  Hell, why did you even call me?  It sounds like you already have your mind made up.  Also, it sounds to me like you just have an issue with this one movie and not all of them.  Christ Brian you are so over dramatic, you are definitely Jesy’s brother.

“Well, I talked to Jesy earlier today and she said I should just go.”  Of course you did and of course she did.  Another trademark Brian move, lets ask everyone’s opinion until I get the answer I want.  What I didn’t know and found out later is that Brian told Jesy and I two different stories, of course.  He failed to mention to me that the movie was FREE!  Had I known that I would have told him to just suck it up and go, it’s free, what will you be out if you didn’t like it?  Two hours of Playstation 3?

The phone conversation continues.  I suggest that he go see movies that M doesn’t like with his friends, that’s what I do.  I told him that Jesy and I take turns, but sometimes there are movies of hers that i have no desire to waste my life on and she feels the same way about some of my movies, therefore we just go with our friends.  Brian liked this idea and decided that he could go to the movies that M doesn’t like with all his nick-named friends, like Zach-Attack.  Fine, whatever.

Then about an hour later I get a text from Brian:

Unless your girlfriends mom is Sarah Palin. Then, by all means call her!

Brian: “do you think callin yr girlfriends moms cell is a little strange?”

Me: A little, I guess it depends on why you were calling…..why were you calling?

Brian: Im tryin 2 see if M wants 2 go2 camp with us this weekend 2 see what we do on a holiday weekend at camp.

First of all what is his deal with G’s?  Why does he hate using them so much?  Did a G word offend him at some point?  I must follow-up with that sometime.  Also, I hate that he is using numbers as words.  Dammit Brian stop typing like a 13-year-old girl!

Me: So why don’t you just ask M?  And did you make sure it was OK with mom and dad first?

Brian: we r goin 2 find that out now.

Huh?  Could you be more vague?  What are you going to find out?  I asked you two questions and you responded with an answer that could apply to either.  If I didn’t know any better I would have thought that he did that on purpose.

Me: What are you going to find out now?

Brian: If she is goin 2 camp this weekend with us.

Are you freaking serious?  You still didn’t answer my question.  He has to be doing this on purpose, right?  I can see him on the other end with that weird creepy smile he does when he thinks whatever he is doing is hilarious.  Keep it up Brian.  Time for me to be even more direct.

Me: So, are you asking mom and dad right now?

I’ve been around long enough to know that Brian would totally ask M to go to camp for the whole weekend and THEN ask mom and dad if it was OK.  I’m just trying to save Brian a headache and me another call later by making sure he asks mom and dad now.  Because God knows that if He asks M and THEN asks mom and she says no I will get another call from Brian telling me how he is pissed at mom with only about half the details to the story.  I’m not really in the mood to play Sherlock Holmes with Brian today.

Brain: ive already talked 2 mom about it and she said its cool

Wow, well done Brian, perhaps you ARE learning?

Me: Oh, so you are asking M right now.  Good.

It only took 20 minutes and rephrasing the question three times, but we finally got there.  Whew.  But there is more.  Brian then launches into some tangent about frisbee golf at camp.  That is one thing I love about Brian, if he gets into something there is no stopping him.  He is super stoked to be participating in our revised version of frisbee golf at camp.  He goes on to try to convince Jesy and I to come out to camp this weekend to play frisbee golf with him and dad.  I told him that this weekend was too busy and that we would not be able to make it out there.

Brian, of course remembered that it was Jesy’s cousin and closest friend’s, Kat, birthday this weekend so he knew why we could not be there.  I saw this as an opportunity to throw Kat under the bus and maybe get Brian in trouble for bad mouthing her.  Operation “Set Brian up” was born.

Me: Yeah, she is pretty selfish, so we have to stick around here and do something with her.

Brian: who kat or kaka?

Sweet!  Brian is not only walking into my trap, but he is even throwing Jesy into the mix too!  This is going to be beautiful!

Me: Both!  They are crazy women!

Come on Brian bite dammit!  Take that bait and run with it!

Brian: why dont they bring the party 2 camp.  god dang a little of our fam is gonna be there. so why not have it there?

Damn, Brian’s not biting, he’s too wrapped up in his own little world.  I do love the harsh language though.  “God dang” is about the closest to cursing that you will ever hear Brian mutter, unless it is a word he heard Matt use and has no idea what it means.

But I was not to be detoured.  I wanted him to throw them both under the bus so bad, it would have been hysterical.  So I press on.

Me: Because they are crazy, that’s why they aren’t coming!

Brian: they r miss out on the fun.

Let me get out my handy-dandy Brian Translator.  Ohhhhh, you are saying that they are going to miss out on all the fun at camp this weekend.  Still not biting though, time to throw in the towel.  Brian is an oblivious genius.

Me: I guess so Brain.  Well played sir.

Brian, however was concerned not just about the frisbee golf, but the big dance Saturday night.  It’s really too bad to because Kat is single and I’m sure that she could find the man of her dreams at the Fox Run Fourth of July Dance.  You know, if she’s into 13-year-old boys trying to act like they are really cool with all the line dances they know.

I was ready for this conversation to be over.  Brian had let me down, he refused to throw Kat and Jesy under the bus, my fun was over.  So, I merely respond with:

Me: Oh well, sucks for them I guess.

Brian was feeling frisky though, he wanted to make sure that I felt bad that we were not going to camp this weekend.

Brian: yeah and i know xhuck (Chuck, the DJ at the dance) would have played kat a birthday song 2.

Ah-ha, another opening.  Thank you Brian and your persistence.  Time to get Kat a birthday present!

Me: Would you sing karaoke to Kat?  Maybe a Miley Cyrus song?

I know Brian hates Miley Cyrus’ music.  He might find her hot like his older brother Matt, but he hates her music, no way is he going to go for this.

Brian: sure no prob.  i would be happy 2 do that 4 kat

Awwww, look, she's blowing Kat a kiss for her birthday!

WHAT??!!  Awesome!  Kat not only has to but up with Brian’s wordless singing, but she has to sit through an entire Miley Cyrus song as well.  Best birthday present ever!

Me: She would love that Brian!

Brian: i will sing 2 kat on her birthday but u have 2 get her 2 come 2 camp and im stickin 2 my promise im not backing down.

What the hell Brian?  Why are you playing hardball suddenly?  I mean I have already told you that we aren’t coming to camp, what is your deal man?

Me: Can she get a rain check?

Brian: on what?

Seriously?  What do you think?  How about the thing that we were just talking about 5 seconds ago?  Have you been drinking shoe polish over there or what?

Me: On you singing Miley Cyrus to Kat for her birthday!

Brian: sure.

Me: Good deal!

Thank god it’s finally over, that was getting pretty painful!  But wait, what’s this?

Brian: i’ll sing amy song she wants but no camp no singing.

Me: Roger that.

Brian is really driving home his point.  I guess he REALLY wants us out at camp.  Oh well he knows we can’t, I’m sure he gets it at this point.  But wait…..

Brian: if u guys dont come 2 camp i don’t sing.

Me: Yeah, I understand what you are saying.

Holy shit Brian, when did you start playing the repeater?  I get it, if we aren’t there you won’t sing.  I mean why would you sing to Kat if she wasn’t there?  I can put two and two together and get four, don’t worry little buddy.  But Brian was really trying to drive home a point.

Brian: if u guys dont come 2 camp this weekend i dont sing at all this weekend.

Oki-silly-dokie-yo!

Me: Brian, I completely understand what you are saying.  I get it.  I promise!

WTF??!!  Damn Brian, lay off for a second!  And I swear that he sent all those texts, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried!

Brian: good thanks now if u really want me 2 sing will might want 2 talk 2 jess.

GOOD GOD MAN!  ENOUGH WITH THE REPEATER!  And that was the end of this conversation.  Brian had evidently set his brain to the broken record-setting which would be enough to drive anyone mad!

So score another one for Brian.  And possibly me if I can somehow convince him to perform his wonderful karaoke for Kat’s birthday at a later date, but as of now that is still in limbo.  I mean he did say that he would allow a rain check, but then he contradicted himself in triplicate, so who knows?  Fingers crossed.

WJP

Brian can be their trainer

This is a continuation of Brian’s first reactions to hearing about Matt and Jami being pregnant.  Matt and Jami, along with their friends Josh and Jamie and their parents Randy and Dina had all met over at John and Carol’s and were playing baseball at the Adena School next door.  The boys were playing baseball so Jami was sitting next to Brain talking to him.

According to Jami, Brian was sitting there running his mouth, as usual and told Jami that he personally was going to teach the baby how to beat Matt up.  A brilliant plan really filled with a story made for Hollywood.  Jaded little brother exacts revenge of years of being picked on by turning his brothers first-born child against him.

As if to prove his toughness Brian went on to brag about how there were only three people that he was scared of.  M was first on his list.  A good call by Brian, and M will be happy to know that she has her man trained.  He was quick to show is fear of a woman’s wrath, especially from his own woman.  Second on this list was Uncle Glenn.  Glenn is one of the nicest men I have ever met, I have no idea why Brian would be scared of him, but congratulations are in order I suppose, it’s a very short list apparently.  And Jami forgot who the third person was.  How is Matt not on that list?  How is mom or dad not on that list?  Perplexing, but that’s Brian for ya.

Jami then tried to ensure that Brian’s ego would be able to fit in the house and told him that he was a big p@ss and that no one was scared of him because we all knew he wouldn’t do any of that anyway.  Smart move to squash that down, otherwise Brian would have gone on all day about his nefarious plot to teach the baby to beat up Matt.

But we all know Brian.  He will not lose this verbal confrontation.  In order to get his point across and to ensure that he has the final word he goes WAY over the top and past the line.  Of course he has no idea what he is about to say, he just throws a combination of words together that he knows are bad words, he just doesn’t know what they mean.  It’s like the time he was calling Matt a homo.  Brian had no idea that homo was a derogatory way to make fun of someone who is gay.  He just called Matt that because Matt was still living at home.  Brian knew the word was bad, he had heard it used, how it was used and the reaction it got.  See, he pays attention better than we all think.  He just had no idea the real meaning, because he had never looked it up.  This was exactly the case here, because this is what he said:

• “Oh ya, well I have a nickname for the baby already, ‘Wussy Juicy P@$$y’.”

I know you are probably still a little shocked, but keep in mind Brian has no clue what he’s saying, he just knows it’s mean.  See, now it’s pretty funny.  Jami immediately told Brian that was unacceptable and that she was going to tell Carol what he just said.  Meanwhile Brian had rushed into the house to get his phone to call M to brag to her about what he had just done.  It was a crowning moment for Brian, he had just pissed someone off.

Thar she blows! Brian has caused yet another explosion from Mt. Carol.

Jami backed up her threat and went to go tell Carol.  Mount Carol erupted violently.  She shot up off the swings at Adena and ran in the house after Brian.  You could hear her yelling at him from the school, hell probably from Indiana.  Eventually she was able to explain why it was inappropriate and why he nor anyone else could call the baby, or anyone else that.  Brian eventually understood.

When he was asked where he had heard such a combination of words Brian did the typical Wenstrup maneuver, he through someone in front of the bus.  He said that he had heard it from Matt.  Nice.  Another opportunity to stick it to Matt, check.   Of course what Brian doesn’t realize is that Matt didn’t get in trouble nor would Matt have cared if someone yelled at him for it.

I do have trouble believing Brian’s debriefing though.  While he MIGHT have heard Matt use any or all of those words, he certainly never heard Matt use that particular grouping of those words.  There is no one in the world that would use that grouping of those words except perhaps a foreigner who doesn’t have full command of the English language.  We have all known that exchange student that first learns how to curse in English and we have them do it over and over again because the way they combine words is hilarious, same with Brian.  He curses so rarely and when he does, he really doesn’t know he is, so it makes it all the more funny.

For all those interested, Brian did come back out and apologize to Jami.  I think that once Carol explained what he had really just said Brian felt pretty bad about it.

But the damage is done, that baby will forever be WJP to me.  Thank you Brian.

Brian Corleone?

Does Brian command this much respect?

Like something only a Corleone would do, Brian recorded his dominance over a friend?  An enemy?  Both?  Who can tell?  Brian is that cunning.  He makes this kid nervous, but respectful.  Brian only has to raise his voice to get results and while Brian disrespects this young man he does it in a confident, cool way that makes you think he might not have meant it that way.

In all honesty, if you include the non-sensical text he sent me it is clear that Brian is just worn out and frustrated.  I think I have talked about this kid before, it’s the kid that Brian has to go to school with, the one that for whatever reason he is always annoying Brian, the kid with autism.  Yes that kid.  The kid that with two simple words, “boo” and “roar,”  can drive Brian to Sonny Corleone crazy.  But with the upcoming video, you see that he calmly and cooly sends a message to his friend just like Michael Corleone would have.

But first you have to read the text.  While this is cryptic, as usual, I was able to deduce what he was saying, so for those of you who struggle or just aren’t getting it and are ready to throw in the towel, I will give my abridged translations in the paragraph immediately following.

• this is the annoying guy im talkin about and i still have be in the same place with him next year i just wanted 2 either stay here where i am next year.  i just wanted 2 stay in the same building next year and let him go 2 the other building or me go 2 the other building and him stay back now the only thing i want 4 my birthday next year is to transfer back to the building im in now.

Yes for those of you counting at home, that is two sentences.  In all fairness that’s how Brian really talks though.  I mean, I could have actually been sitting right next to him hearing that exact word for word statement.  He is that random and all over the place with his facts.  What Brian is really doing here is capturing proof for, in all likely hood, me.  He didn’t send this video to anyone else, so clearly this so that I would finally see what Brian had to “put up with” all year.  It is not meant to be mean, or disrespectful, it’s just meant to have proof of their agreement so that Brian has confirmation in his mind that this kid will leave him alone next year.  So sit back and enjoy Brian doing his best Goodfellas impression.

Now it’s time for a video breakdown.  Did you guys get that Godfather vibe from that video too?  Are you worried that maybe that kid will wake up with a horse head in his bed?  To be honest, I still am even after watching that video a couple of times over.

Highlights:

• “Can you say hi to the video?” To Brian this is simply his introduction, his way to make sure everyone knows that we are starting.  A bit abrasive, but Brian likes to get right down to business.  Had this been something out of the Godfather, it would be a Corleone establishing dominance over the conversation by telling his friend what to do.

• He then politely asks his friend to PLEASE not say “boo” and “roar”, next year.  I know it sounds like Brian is saying ra, but it was later confirmed by Brian himself that it was roar, like what a lion does.  It’s nice to see Brian drop down some manners, but the reason I enjoy it so much is because of what he says in 3…2…1…

• “otherwise I might throw up.” Awwww snap!  Brian basically just told that kid, you annoy me to the point that I am so physically repulsed by you that you almost make me vomit.  If it was anyone else but Brian that’s a dirty move, but Brian is just brutally honest sometimes.  To be honest I have never seen or heard of Brian throwing up.  He might not even remember what a horrible, awful experience throwing up is, he probably heard the expression somewhere, someone else laughed at it, so Brian thought he would use it to get the same results.  He pays WAY more attention than people think.

• Next he decides that he should talk down to this kid some.  In a very condescending tone, he asks the kid to repeat back the verbal agreement that they had just made less than 5 seconds ago.  If we think about this in Corleone terms he is doing this to belittle him in front of others, but also to have something to play back to him when Brian and his thugs, Zach-attack and M, have him tied up in a warehouse after he has welshed on this deal before they beat him senseless.  For Brian he is simply at his wit’s end and he just wants to make sure that he wont have to put up with this kids antics for a full other year.  Brian is the king of deals that ONLY favor him.

• “Ooooorrrrrrrrr?” He wasn’t about to let that kid skate on only not saying ONE of those words.  Brian was determined to know that both words were part of the deal.  But if this was a movie this would be the ultimate show of power, wouldn’t it?  Brian proving that all he has to do is repeat one word and slightly inflect his voice.  He’s not going as far as to shout, but his voice has definitely been raised.  And he got exactly the response he was looking for.

• Followed by a quick little, under the breath almost, jab.  “Yeah, none of that, K?” Brian is making sure all his i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed.

• And he ends it by acting all cool with the guy.  “Cool.” Like yeah, we’re cool, only because you’re going to do exactly what I just told you to do.  Otherwise my goons and I are going to work you over harder than a NBA roster would work over Lindsay Lohan.  But for now, we’re cool.

• I can’t decide if Brian’s friend is quiet because he has autism, or because Brian is in fact annoying him, or if he is afraid of Brian?  I mean he just sits there and lets Brian ridiculously record this conversation.

Go back and watch it again and see if you can see both Brian being Brian, but also the possible Corleone connection.  Hysterically scary, scasterically.  Add it.

Possible loopholes:

• The kid can come up with new words.  I don’ t think that Brian has thought this all the way through.  Typical Sonny.  I think it’s more the fact that this kid is always in Brian’s face and maybe even just saying the same things over and over again.  What’s to stop him from coming up with two new words?

• The kid ignores Brian all together.  If I am indeed correct about this kid just being annoyed with Brian, then that whole time he was thinking, Yeah whatever kid, make your little video and act all tough now, but what are you really going to do when 5 minutes after you finish I get right in your face and boo it up?

It’s like the season finale.  Brian will be out of school soon and we will have to wait till the season picks up again in the fall before we find out how this will play out.  What a cliff hanger huh?

Am I going to be an Uncle?

Brain could only HOPE to be as good of an uncle as Joey was.

I’m very sorry to say that I have a GREAT conversation with Brian saved in my phone for just this occasion, but it would appear that my phone will just randomly start deleting conversations without telling me.  So instead of being able to quote Brian’s normal ridiculousness, you will have to settle for my, not so great, memory.  I’m truly sorry, because this might have been one of the greatest conversations…EVER.

It all started with a text from Brian…..

“Am I going to be an uncle?”

He was obviously referring to his brother Matt and his girlfriend Jami’s big news about being pregnant.  However, I was hesitant to respond.  I had just found out a couple of days before hand, and thought they were trying to keep a tight lid on things until they went to the Dr and made this thing official.  And normally the LAST person you want to tell anything to is Brian.  He remembers everything and is quite the blabber mouth.

So, at this point I’m not sure if Matt and Jami have actually told him anything or if he over heard Matt and Jami telling John and Carol and he wasn’t really supposed to know anything.  So I test the waters….

“Why do you ask Brain?”

Prepare yourselves.  Prepare for one of the single funniest responses Brian has ever given in his life.  You might be concerned that I’m over hyping this, that it might not be as funny.  But nay.  There is no way that even I can ruin this, despite my wife calling me the “ruiner.”  Hell, I’m laughing about it now even before I type it, it never gets un-funny!

His response…..

“BC I heard Jami got knocked up.”

This is Matt and Jami according to Brian.

WHATTTTTTTTTT???  Did he just go and make Jami look like some prostitute?  Or like this was some bar hook up that went wrong.  She is not a hooker and they have been living together for over a year.  Good lord Brian, you act like this is 1930 or something!

What a hilariously terrible thing to say!  I mean of all the responses he could have given he chose that one.  You could almost hear his apathy through the text.  To be honest I had to re-read his response several times.  At first I was in shock and disbelief.  Then I was like a stereo-typed older black woman going with the “oh no he didn’t!” catch phrase.  Then I finally exploded in laughter and didn’t stop for 5 minutes.

When I finally was able to pick myself up off the floor and control myself enough that I could try to text back I shot Brian a reply.  I told him that yes he was going to be an uncle and that he probably shouldn’t refer to Jami as being knocked up, it’s rude and this is a happy event for Matt and Jami and he should be happy for them.

The rest of the conversation my phone did actually keep, so without further deliberation, he is the remainder of the wild ride that was the “pregnancy talk” with Brian.

Brian:  i’m really scared and freaked out.

Me: Why?

Brian:  becuz idk if this true or not

Me:  Why would that scare or freak you out?  And why don’t you think it’s true?

Brian:  becauz I thought u and J would have a baby first.

Me: Well, we’re not.  And it doesn’t really matter.  You should be happy for them, this is very exciting!

Brian:  plus my goofy bro. keeps messing with me so its very hard 2 believe him all the time.

Blam!  Brian took a shot at Matt now.  Although I have to say this one is completely appropriate.  Matt and Brian share the typical older brother/younger brother relationship.  Matt is older, so he relentlessly picks on Brian and play pranks on him.  So Brian is right not to trust Matt.  So I reassure him.

Me:  Well he is telling you the truth this time.  I promise.

Brian:  u promise me?

What the hell?  are you really going to question me again?  Yes I mess with Brian sometimes, but over all I am pretty up-front with him, why would he question me?  Turd.

Me:  Yes!

Brian:  Well, there goes my golf cart money.

Ahhhh, there is that famous Brian randomness.  I was beginning to get worried that we were going to have a whole conversation without him throwing something out there from DEEP left field, but not to worry it clearly has arrived.

Me:  Why?

Brian: becauz i may have 2 buy this kid new toys.

I guess Brian can kiss THIS pipe dream goodbye.

I can’t decide if he is being outrageously selfish, or if this is his attempt at trying to be a “good uncle.”  Either way, Brian is clearly confused about his role in all this.  I try to tell him that he can still “upgrade” his golf cart, the baby isn’t due for about 8 months at this point.  Plus it’s not like he will have to buy stuff every day or anything, just on birthdays and what not.

Brian then sends me one of the most cryptic texts he has ever sent me.  I will share it with you as a parting gift.  Think of it like a brain teaser, or a puzzle.  If you can figure out what he is trying to say then perhaps you are missing a calling.  You should be cracking codes for the government or something.  To be honest this conversation started at like 8:00 pm and this last text came through at about 11:00 pm.  I was tired and exhausted so I just didn’t have it in me to talk to him for another 30 minutes trying to have him explain what the hell it meant.  So, I reluctantly just let it go and went to sleep.

So here you are, a cyrpto-Brian-teaser!

As always I am leaving all Brain’s spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, it is important to keep the integrity of what Brian says to make sure you are just as confused as I am.  Good luck, and may the force be with you all.

Brian: “the main reason wwhy im so scared is becauz i might start feelin and might 1 in front of the new baby but when he gets a little older he won’t know what 2 do at all.”

HUH?????

Do you like Chinese people?

Pop quiz, how many "Chinese" people do you see here?

Jesy and I decided to go up and visit her uncle Glenn (Scrooge) and Brian and have dinner with them last night.  Glenn had been “babysitting” Brian for the last week while John and Carol were on the cruise with Jesy, Matt, Jami and I.  We figured that Glenn could use some adult conversation and a break from Brian’s wackiness.  Glenn might be the most patient person on Earth to be able to not only tolerate Brian, but to willingly volunteer to watch over him for two weeks.  Sainthood is in his future.  Plus, it was a good opportunity to say hi to Brian, who we had not seen since before the cruise and give him his gift we got him while in Haiti.  Little did I know what was in store, but I really should have figured it would be something.

As we sit down to eat dinner Brian leans close to me and does his best to whisper, which in reality is only slightly quieter than screaming and tells me to “watch this.”  My interest is immediately peaked.  How could it not be?  When Brian says to “watch this”, it can only spell disaster or hilarity.  Normally both.

He looks at Jesy straight-faced and asks her if she likes Chinese people.  WHAT?  For a split second we all just sat there and stared trying to process what the hell he just asked.  One of us might have even asked him to repeat it just to make sure that we heard him correct, but there was no mistaking, Brian just asked Jesy if she liked Chinese people.  After the initial shock finally wore off Jesy asked Brian what the hell he was talking about and what relevance it had to ANYTHING.  Brian, stubborn but with purpose just asked her the same question again, do you like Chinese people?  Jesy cautiously and curiously answered yes but again asked him why it mattered.

Are you ready for this?

His response was, “Well then you should watch Never Back Down.” Remember that horrifying movie that I have told you that Brian has been trying to get Jesy and I to watch for like 6 months? Well, Brian with his steel trap memory and stubborn determination to make sure we watch it has reared it’s ugly head yet again.

Two amazing events just happened.  One, Brian is getting smarter.  Two, he deliberately set Jesy up.  I have to admit it was almost perfect!  Why almost?  Well, I’ll get to that in a little bit.  Jesy looked like she just got hit in the face by Mike Tyson.  Brian had trapped her, had out-smarted her.  She didn’t have two legs to stand on.  It might be one of the single greatest moments Brian has ever had.  Not to worry though, he would quickly return to typical Brian form in 3…2…1….

I asked Brian why the hell was he so hung up on this movie and he said it looked good.  Wait, what?  When he handed me this movie 6 months ago he told me that it WAS a good movie, as in he had already watched it and it WAS so good that Jesy and I would really like it.  Of course IF that were true, Brian clearly has no idea what our movie tastes are, especially concerning Jesy.  But lets backtrack for a second.  Brian, did you not actually watch this movie?  Because you just said it LOOKED good, not it WAS good.  Nope.  He apparently watched 5 minutes of it and just thought it would be good.  What the hell Ebert?  How are you making judgements on movies after 5 minutes?  Did Brian just suddenly turn into Jay Sherman?

Watch out Jay, Brian's aiming for your job!

But it gets better.  Remember that initial question he asked?  The one that seemingly came form left field?  The one that might or might not be racist?  ”Do you like Chinese people?”  That one.  Yeah, well when I got home I got to thinking about that question as I was starting to write this blog and I went downstairs to get the DVD to confirm my suspicions.  And I was right, there are no “Chinese” people in this movie.  It’s a bunch of white kids and a black guy.  It’s an action movie with fighting, after watching just about every Jackie Chan movie to date Brian clearly was just assuming that this was another “Jackie Chan” type movie.  This of course calls into question whether or not Brian actually watched 5 minutes of this movie, or whether he actually even ever looked at the cover of the damn DVD that showcases all the before mentioned white kids and one black guy.

Well Brian, looks like you are busted.  Busted for having horrendous movie taste, busted for lying and busted for possibly, albeit unknowingly, being a racist.

Just another conversation with Brian.

Brian Pulls a Fast One.

Now all I need is a big green ogre to hang out with.

Well, you can color me a jackass.

But first let’s backtrack a bit.  As Jesy and I were headed out to Sharon Woods so that I can throw some frisbees around to help prepare for the coming frisbee golf season, she gave me the details of her and Brian’s shopping trip at Target.  As I mentioned in my previous blog, Brian and M have an anniversary coming up and Brian, wisely, decided that Jesy should probably go along with him and help him pick something nice out.  He would have gone with Carol, but according to Brian, he HATES shopping with mom because she stops in every aisle and looks at every product in said isle.

So as Jesy was telling me her tale there were two things that really stood out to me.  The first was that as they were waiting in line to pay for the Claddagh ring and chocolates that Brian had decided on (He would have went with earrings, but she doesn’t in fact have her ears pierced) he looked at Jesy and asked her if it would be a good idea to get some gum.

WTF?!  Damn little scam artist.  Luckily, Jesy already knew the tale of the gum from when I took him to the very same Target less than a month ago.  I can’t be positive, but I would be willing to bet that he still has gum from when I took him, and of course there is the sizable stash that Brian KNOWS Carol has.  And I know he knows about it because he told me about 5 minutes after I let him purchase his own gum the last time.  But I am nearly sure he still has some, probably hidden on his disaster of a desk because of the next thing that really struck a chord with me.

Jesy told me that she was amazed of what Brian can seemingly accomplish on his own, like being able to pay for his stuff without any help.  When she said this I of course was interested to hear if Brian was using the wallet that I had bought him.  The wallet that we specifically went to Target for the last time.  So did he?

You guessed it, nope.  SONOFABITCH!!!!!!  That little turd.  I was of course pissed.  I immediately flip out the phone.  Then I wait the 10 minutes it takes for it to unlock and open the call screen and actually dial the damn number.

*RANT ALERT*  If you are thinking about getting a new Droid operated phone, DON’T get the Eris, it is slower than Fat Albert’s 40 time, and Droid applications frequently don’t work because there are no regulations on them.  I already can’t wait to get a different phone, only 1-1/2 more years, sigh.

Alright, back on track.  I called Brian and this is the exchange:

Me:  Brian, did you go shopping today?

Brian:  Yeah.

Me:  Did you pay for everything with your money?

Brian:  Yeah.

I know it’s evil to set him up like that, but I was pissed and for good reason.

Me:  And did you use the new wallet I bought you?

Brian:  Ummmmm, well no not really.

Me:  Why the hell not Brian?!

Brian:  Because I couldn’t find the money.

Me:  What the hell do you mean?  You had money when you went to Target today right?  How did you get that?

Brian:  Well, mom got it out of the money box for me.

Apparently Brian has something like his own security deposit box in his room.

Me:  Well then why did you have mom get the rest of the money and put it in your wallet, or just put the money she just got out for you in your wallet?

Maybe someone can by this for Brian, so he doesn't lose his wallet? Maybe not, I will probably choke him with it.

Brian:  I don’t know, I think I can’t find it.

When Brian know’s he’s in trouble nothing is his fault and he will never admit to actually doing it.  Like now, he THINKS he can’t find it.  Of course when he says shit like that I just get more pissed.  At this point I had enough, time to get off the phone before I try to reach through it to choke the life out of him.

Me:  Forget it Brian.  Never again.  I will never be nice and by you something you need.  You blew it…again.  I’m getting off the phone.

Brian:  But I…….CLICK.

I know he was saying something, but I also knew that he was just going to give me an excuse and try to make it not his fault.  Bleh, I wasn’t in the mood.

10 minutes later he tries to call me back.  I ignore.

Another 2 minutes later I get a text:

• don’t worry i have my walet somewhere i know where its at from now on i promise u.

I have some many issues with this statement and grammar is the LEAST of them.  First, let’s get something straight B,  I wasn’t worried, I was pissed.  Pissed that I took the time and spent the money to do something nice for you and you clearly just don’t care.  Secondly, He has it somewhere, which tells me he has no idea where it is and he just hopes he has it somewhere.  But the follows that up with I know where it’s at from now on?  Say what?  I mean I guess somewhere is better than nowhere, but he clearly doesn’t know where it’s at, that I can promise you.

And the two people who win in the end are John and Carol because they get to read this and laugh their asses off knowing that’s why they never bought him a new wallet in the first place.  And of course Brian did tell me along with the fact that Carol had a huge stash of gum after we had just purchased gum for him, he told me that Carol refused to by him a wallet after he lost the last one.

Thus making me a jackass.  Reason number 5,347 I might not be ready to be a father, Brian is out-smarting me.  Sigh……

The Tie Breaker that Wasn’t.

I wonder how entertaining and confusing a conversation between Brain and GW would be?

It finally happened.  There was a split decision on movie night.  You see, back when I started movie night the rule was if we could not come to a consensus as to which movie to watch I would have to call Brian and he would be the final vote.

The idea behind that was that NO ONE would want Brian to make the call, thus forcing everyone to make a decision.  Not yesterday.  It came down to Sherlock Holmes or Boondock Saints II, All Saints Day.  So reluctantly I called Brian to see what his ruling would be.

Let me just say King Solomon he is not. I tell Brian the situation, keep in mind due to allergies and the remnants of a cold I sound like Joan Rivers choking on a chicken bone, it’s horrible.  So, Brian might have trouble hearing me, which makes a bad situation worse.  Knowing this I am practically screaming in the phone and I ask Brian which movie we should watch, Boondock Saints or Sherlock Holmes.

His answer, Boondock Holmes.  Of course.  I hang my head and shake it slowly.  Then I take the next five minutes slowly explaining to him that these are two separate movies and then reminding him that it was his job to help determine what movie we watch in the case of a tie.  I had told him this a long time ago and to be ready, but somehow HE actually forgot I think.

Looking back, maybe he was just suggesting in a backwards Brian way that we should watch both?  Nahhhhhhh.

I thank Brain for his confusing, albeit necessary ruling and I’m about to hang up the phone when Brian launches a brand new topic from left field.

Brian:  Oh by the way when are you going to make Jes watch Never Back Down?

This is some horrible looking Fight Club/Lion Heart wanna be movie that Brian seems to think Jesy and I will like and he gave it to me about 3 months ago.  I have vowed not to watch it until Jesy sits down and watches it with me, because that’s what Brian wanted.  Of course Jesy refuses to watch it knowing that it will be about an hour and a half of her life that would be better spent cutting coupons, or doing her cuticles.  But I stand fast and I tell Brian that I have tried on several occasions (and I really have) to get Jes to watch it, but for whatever reason she won’t.  Brian’s suggestion, as always is to give her the “eagle landing on a branch.”  A little trick I showed him like 7 years ago in which you essentially slap someones leg.  He thinks its comedic gold.

Satisfied that he has exhausted that subject he fires another random topic at me.  Well random for most, but I saw it coming.  You see, in any conversation Brian and I have he will always ask or tell me when the Reds, Bengals, Xavier or when a certain wrestler is wrestling.  It just depends on the season.  With that I’m sure you all can sense what was coming.

Brian:  The Reds are playing at 7:10.

I was shocked.  The last week he had always ASKED what time the Reds were playing, this time he was ahead of the game.  He was prepared which left me almost dumbfounded, but in my confusion Brian quickly switched gears and again blasts me with another random topic.

Brian:  Hey, so where should M and I go for our anniversary?

They're both "frugal" I guess?

What was supposed to be a 5 minute conversation AT MOST was turning into a nightmare of randomness.  So, Rick and I quiz him on what she likes, what he likes, how much he wants to spend and so on.  Brian goes on and on about money apparently not being a problem, he says he has plenty of that, but then he contradicts himself and states that he only wants to spend $40 tops on dinner.  That’s for both dinners, not separately, yeah Brian, you’re a regular Daddy Warbucks aren’t you?

We decide that with Brian’s money cap and judging on what Brian was wanting he should take her to Texas Roadhouse.  Not the classiest choice for an anniversary dinner, but I’m sure those two kids will have a great time.

But Brian wasn’t done.

Brian:  You need to have Jes call me.

Me:  Why?

Brian:  So she can help me pick something out for M’s anniversary gift.

Me:  What did you end up getting her for her birthday?

Brian:  A bracelet (Which was my idea, thank you.)

Rick:  Get her a necklace.

Me:  No, he did that one for Valentines Day.

look at all those diamonds! You think they have those at Claires?

Rick:  What about earings?

Brian:  That might not work, I don’t think she has her ears pierced.

Me:  Brian, you have been dating for a year, how the hell don’t you know if your girlfriend has her ears pierced?

Brian: I don’t know.

Me:  Well Brian, I would find that out first and then go from there.  In any case I will have Jesy call you.

You see what I did there?  I shoveled this mess on to Jesy.  I just used the opening that Brian gave me before and thought about how this conversation was never going to end unless I ended it.  Sorry Jes, collateral damage.

Brian, however had different plans, before I could hang up the phone he fires again.

Brian:  I’m tired of this crap.

WHAT?! Does anyone have any guess what the hell this could be about?  Yeah me either, but like the dumbass I am, I indulge him.

Me:  What are you talking about Brian?

Brian:  This M crap, you know why she won’t call me back and stuff.

UGHHHHH.  Not this again.  The last three times I have talked to or seen Brian he has complained about M not answering when he calls, or she will call him like 20 times when he is napping and then won’t answer when he calls her back another 20 times.  It’s quite the vicious cycle.  What cracks me up is that he can go from talking about getting her an anniversary present to being pissed at her in under 5 minutes.  He is a teenager after all.

I in turn told Brian that I was sick too.  Sick of hearing him bitch about this.  I told him the same thing I have told him the last two times, work out a schedule with her.  Like from 6-8 everyday is the time that they can block out to talk, or whatever works for them.  But it would seem to me that they need to be on some sort of schedule since they keep missing each other.

Clearly not the answer he was looking for, but he reluctantly accepts it.  That of course means that he will just bitch about it again the next time I see him and will continue to do so until I give him an answer he wants to hear.

Finally it was time to hang up.  We say our goodbyes and my phone at this point has timed out and I have to hit a few buttons to make the screen pop up again so that I can hang up the phone.  I of course had Brian on speaker phone, so in my dabbling Brian could hear Rick talking in the background.

Brian:  Hey, your still there!

Pfffft, yeah I can dream!

Fearful that this might spur yet another random topic I scrambled and just hung up the phone.  CLICK, eat dial tone B!  Sweating bullets and staring at the phone I held my breath anticipating the dreaded call back, but there was just silence….beautiful silence, followed by laughter at the whole situation.

I barely made it out of this one alive.  Whew.

Taking Brian Shopping.

You think shopping in that gear is tough? Try shopping with Brian sometime.

As I was leaving work yesterday I thought to myself, it has been a long time since I have purchased a video game and we have our money back from the whole National City/PNC fiasco, so today was the day.  Today I would reinvest in my obsession since my senior year in high school.  Today I would finally buy the latest Final Fantasy game.

And since I was going there anyway I might as well take Brian with me.  The kid loves video games and is always bothering mom and dad to take him.  And if you read this blog at all, there should be no reason for explanation as to why they don’t like to take him.

So I called Brian and told him I was on my way and to make sure he has his shit together and to call mom and make sure it was alright.  You have to tell Brian to get his shit together, otherwise you are at the house for 20 minutes waiting for him to put on shoes, socks and get his money and so on.  It is normally quite the ordeal, as I have said before, the kid is slower than a turtle with no legs.

So I get to the house and run through the checklist.

• Does Brian have socks on:  Check.

• Does Brian have shoes on:  Check.

• Does Brian have money:  Check.

• Has Brian called mom and OK’ed everything:  Check.

• Does Brian have anything he wants to trade in:  Silly question he always does, check.

• Does Brian have a jacket:  negative, its nice enough out, he wont need it and getting him to find it and put it on might take another 10 minutes.

On to Gamestop.

We arrive safely, discussing Brian’s options as to what to get M for her birthday.  He got her a necklace for Valentines day, so I suggested a nice bracelet or earings and maybe a tub of her favorite ice cream since he is going to her birthday party on Saturday.  No better way to impress the lady then show up to her party with her favorite ice cream right?  So it was decided.

We walk in the door and Brian immediately heads to the counter to exchange a PS3 game that he didn’t really like or play that much.  Amazingly he got $16 on the trade in, now on to the hard part, figuring out what game to buy next.

Yeah, like this, but instead of bricks, imagine video games.

For me it was easy.  For Brian, nothing is easy.  After getting his store credit he proceeds to walk over to the wall of games, which might as well be the Wall of China the way Brian takes his sweet ass time looking over everything.

After picking out what I wanted I decided to help speed up the process and help Brian pick something out.

Me: Brian, what are you looking for?

Brian: A racing game.

Me: Brian, isn’t that what you just returned?

Brian: Yeah, I want a different one.

Me: What about this one?

Brian: Own it.

Me: This one?

Brian: Played it.

Me: This one?

Brian: Own it.

This seriously went on until we had exhausted every single racing game that they had in the store.  That is until I found the off-road racing games, so I asked Brian about those games.  Nope, he doesn’t like off-road racing, just street racing.  Of course.  This kid is more picky about games than I am about food.

So I tell Brian that there is literally no racing game made for the PS3 that he either hasnt played or doesn’t already own.  So I asked him what other kind of game he would like.  He said baseball or basketball.

So I start to scour the great wall-o-games again.  I start to see several baseball and basketball games he might like, but when I turn around, to my surprise, Brian has a game in hand.  Wrestling.

Ahhhh, the joys of shopping with Brian, he tells you one thing and picks out another.  So I ask him if he is sure about this game.  BIG MISTAKE.  He was sure, but since my dumb ass just HAD to say something, now he wasnt so sure, so we get to start the scanning process all over again.

Luckily he narrows it down to two games.  Wrestling and basketball.  As he is looking over the basketball game I notice how cheap it is.  Clearly a newer version of this game would be coming out soon, if it wasn’t already.  I told Brian to wait because a newer version of this game should be coming out soon.

He told me he already knew that.  Why did he already know that you ask?  Because he already owns the newer version.  Of course he did.  Dammit Brian why the hell would you wants last years game, when you already have THIS years game??!!  He does this with NASCAR games all the time.  He will trade games in to get older versions of the game.  Baffles me.

Thankfully I got through to him and he settled on the Wrestling game, all in under an hour, which for Brian is nothing short of a miracle.  So we make our way up to the counter when Brian pulls out a wad of cash that looked like it had gone through the washing machine.

Me: Brian, don’t you have a wallet?

Brian: Nope.

Me: That’s it, your 19, you need a wallet.  We are taking you over to Target to get you a wallet after this.

Brian: OK.

So we take our games to the car and walk over to Target.  Yes I am 31 years old and the first thing I do when I go into Target is go to the toys section.  I always browse through the Legos and Star Wars stuff, just to see what there is, I normally don’t get anything.

It was at this time that Brian mentioned that he was going to see Tony Stewart on Thursday and he wanted to take something to get signed, but mom wouldn’t get him this car that he wanted.  I was curious, so I asked to see it.  Shit no wonder, the car he wanted was like $25 bucks.  That’s nothing to sneeze at.  But I was able to compromise, I found a little car that had a scale model of the hood of the car that came with it and it was only $5.00.  I told Brian I would get that for him and as an added bonus it might make John jealous, I LOVE when I can do that!

Now on to the wallet.  WE finally get to the section that has wallets and there are of course four options, not good for a kid that takes upwards of an hour to pick out one video game.  Luckily your story-teller learns a lesson, I picked out the cheapest little bastard I could find and said this IS what you are getting.

Surprisingly there was no argument from Brain, so we made our way up to the counter.  While waiting in line Brian decides he needs some gum.

Me: Brian, why to you need gum?

Brian: I like to have some when I am hanging out with M.

Brian makes Brett favre look like a decision making machine.

I’ll be honest, that is some damn good logic, I can’t really argue with that at all.  Alright, gum it is.  But wait, that means more decisions, shit.

Me: Do you like fruity gum?

Brain: Nah, not really.

Me: Do you like mint?

Brian: yeah.

Awesome, I grab the cheapest mint gum I can find and tell him that’s his winner.  Again, no argument, sweet, I’m almost in the clear here.

As we are walking out the store he thanked me, which was nice, but then he followed up with these little numbers.

1. He informs me that he doesn’t have a wallet because he lost his last one and Carol didn’t want to waste the money to get him another one he would probably lose.  Awesome work Brian, you got me to spend money on you and set me up to get yelled at by Carol.
2. He informs me that he asked Carol if he could get some gum like two days ago and Carol said no because she had just bought a lot of gum.  Brian’s excuse was he didn’t know where that was.  I asked him if he asked Carol where it was and you guessed it, he said no, followed by, “how should I know.”  I HATE when he acts like the victim when he knows damn well that it was his own fault.

Well Brian, I hope that this was a great trip for you because Carol will NEVER let this happen again.  Hell, I was only with him for a couple hours and I managed to get him three things that Carol had specifically said no to him like two days prior.

I would rate my parental preparedness at about a 3 out of 10.  Not good.

Still waiting for Carol to call and ask what the hell I was thinking.  Luckily I already have the insanity defense well mapped out.

Brian; “But I didn’t do anything wrong.”

I should really start paying more attention to the warning signs.

Brian strikes again.  No more than 5 minutes after I walk in the door from work I hear, “HELP!  I need somebody, HELP!”  Yup, it must be Brian.  What kind of landmine will I be walking into today?  Well, no time like the present to find out….

Me:  Hey Brian, whats up?

Brian:  I’m sick of this crap.  I almost got in trouble the last two days.  I mean I’m not in trouble, but I am sick of hearing them talk to us.

Me:  What?!

Brain:  You know that kid that always picks on me at school?

Me:  You mean the kid that has autism that hugs you and says boo to you?  The kid that is probably trying to be your friend?  That kid?

Brian:  Yeah him, he gets on my nerves.  Well it is all his fault.

Me:  Brian I feel like I am watching Memento for the first time.  I have no freaking idea what the hell you are talking about.

Brian:  I’m sick of getting in trouble for something I’m not doing and I am sick of being late for the bus.

Me:  Whoa there Tonto.  Let’s back up.  My head is spinning faster than that kid from The Exorcist.  Who is yelling at you?

Brian:  The teachers.

Keep in mind at this point I am only half paying attention.  I mean these conversations are pretty typical with Brian.  If I’m right, and I generally am with this stuff, Brian is just being over dramatic.  But what Brian is about to say very much caught my attention.  Prepare yourselves.

Me:  So the teachers were yelling at you.  Just you, or a lot of people?  And what were you getting yelled at for anyway?

Brian:  They were yelling at everyone in the class.  They were yelling at us for hugging, kissing, and lying.

Me:  Whoaaaaaaaaaaa.  They were yelling at you for what?

I thought I heard him correct, but again I was only half paying attention and like the phone assassin that Brian is he snuck in some gory details there.

See, it could be worse, the kids could be making out with themselves.

Brian:  For hugging, kissing and lying.

Well, I heard him correct, now the question is, how does hugging, kissing and lying all fit together…..

Me:  Brian, let me see if I have this right.  There are kids in your class, perhaps the kid that always “picks on” you, that are going around the school kissing and hugging each other and then lying to the teachers about it.  So now they are talking to your whole class about it telling them not to do it anymore correct?

Brian:  Yeah.  But I’m not doing anything wrong.

This of course makes sense, M is at a different school and Brian would NEVER cheat, it wouldn’t even cross his mind.  So clearly he isn’t one of the students that is causing the trouble.

Me:  Well Brian I think the teachers either don’t want to single anyone out, or they really don’t know who is doing it, so they are just talking to everyone to make sure everyone knows the rules.

Brian:  But why are they talking to me.  I feel like I did something wrong when they talk to me like that, but I didn’t do anything.

It was like I didn’t even say anything.

Me:  Brian, focus.  Listen to me.  They teachers have to talk to everyone.  They don’t want to embarrass anyone or they just don’t know who is actually doing it.  So they just have to talk to everyone to be safe, OK?

Brian:  Yeah I guess that makes sense, but I didn’t do it, so I wish they wouldn’t make me sit there.  It makes me late for my bus.

Me:  Brian it can’t make you more than 5 minutes late, you will be fine.  Plus I am sure that the teachers let the bus drivers know that you will be a little late.

Brian:  Well I don’t understand why they have to take us all out as a group, they didn’t used to.

Me:  Because they want to make sure that no one sneaks off to go make out.

Brian:  I won’t.  So just let me go, so I’m not late.

Uh-oh.  Brian is starting to tune me out.  Brian tends to have a single-minded focus.  What started as concern about being in trouble has now turned into concern about the bus leaving him.

Me:  Again, Brain, they have to keep you all together.  They can’t single people out like that.  You are just going to have to deal with this for the time being.  Look, clearly you didn’t do anything wrong, so just sit there and listen and know that they aren’t talking to you.  And trust me, that bus isn’t going anywhere without you.  If it did they would have to face an angry Carol, and no one wants that.

Brian:  OK, what time does Xavier play Friday?

Ahhhhh, another one of Brian’s famous u-turns.  You never really know if you reached him or not, but clearly he is done talking about it.

Me:  I don’t know Brian, it’s Tuesday, I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.  Plus I will be at the Circus with Jes, so I doubt I will get to watch it.

Brian:  OK, well let me know when you find out.

Me:  Will do.

Brian:  Alright, will do.

Now, if you think that is the end, it isn’t.  It actually gets better.  The funny part is I knew this was going to happen.  We, as in the whole family, has had the discussion with Brian that if you call one of us, don’t call the other.  We live together, we talk, we will share with each other, there is no reason to call both of us.

Jesy walks in the door maybe 15 minutes after my conversation with Brian.  Typically Jesy is on the phone when she walks in the door, but within hearing the first three words I knew who she was talking to and what they were talking about.

It was Brian and he was giving her the same damn story that he had just given to me!

GOD DAMMIT BRIAN!

I bolted out of the computer room like I was a homeless guy chasing a Big Mac.  I start screaming over Jesy so that Brian can hear me on the other side.  Jesy upon hearing that Brian and I had already had this conversation tells Brian, “Brian this is ridiculous, you already called George, I’m hanging up, bye.”  Click.  She didn’t even give him time to formulate an argument, it was beautiful.

But it doesn’t end there, Oh no, Brian is still fired up, especially after being hung up on.  I get a text less than 5 minutes later.

Brian:  if i have 2 sit through this again tomorrow i’m going 2 go super crazy.

Me:  Just tune it out.  You will be fine I promise.

Clearly I am worn out.  I am trying to comfort him and end this madness.  I just don’t have it in me for this to go on for another hour.  Sadly Brian has other ideas.

Brain:  i have my teachers cell number and i’m going 2 go super crazy if i have 2 sit through this again.

Great, some silly teacher armed Brian with a cell number.  Poor fool.  I was tempted to tell Brian to call the teacher then, but felt pity for them and decided better of it.  Some people just don’t understand what giving Brian your cell means.  He will NEVER forget it.  When Brian puts that number in his phone it is also being programmed in his brain.  I even tried to erase my number from his phone once, imagine my surprise when I get a text from him days later telling me that “I’d just been served.”  Good luck there teach!

Me:  Brian, I would recommend not getting to crazy with that phone number buddy.

Brian:  mom dad and i r going 2 talk about

Brian:  ok!

Brian:  not going to get super crazy with the phone number if i have to sit through this horse crap again then will get super crazy.

Wow, where to begin?  Clearly Brian was typing before I responded.  First off, why tell me that you and mom and dad are going to talk about it, and why wasn’t that the first phone call?  Second, why tell me about the cell phone if you aren’t going to use it?  and third……

Maybe Brian meant he would call the wrestler, Super Crazy, and have him take care of business?

Me:  What do you mean super crazy?

I figured since he had mentioned it about three times already I should figure out what the hell “super crazy” means.  I mean, is he going to shoot up the school, or is he just going to bitch about it?

Brian:  if i have 2 sit through this agin then i’m goin 2 blame my teachers 4 makin me sit through it then they will not like that at all.

What is his problem with putting g’s on the end of words?

Me:  That sure doesn’t sound crazy.

Brian:  i will just get very mad and be like somebody else like one of my classmates.

Me:  What do you mean?

At this point I was trying to work out, so I just left the phone on the counter and tried to forget about Brian and his nonsense.  Sadly after the workout Brian had blown me up three times.  All of them said the same thing and didn’t even come close to answering my question.

Brian x 3:  1 boy says bad things but i would like to be in the quiet room while all this is goin on they makin me sound like i did somthin really bad witch makes me really upset.

First of all, YOU are making yourself sound Jamaican.  Secondly, you still haven’t answered my question.  And third, this conversation has gone on for about three hours now, I think I have run out of energy to try to get to the bottom of this.

If any of you know Brian, please feel free to ask him what the hell he meant by “super crazy,” and report back.  Oh, and good luck!

Brian’s Cruisin’ for a Brusin’.

Yup, Brian's ready for the cruise alright.

Interestingly enough Brian decided to call Jesy last night with his full-blown emergency.  Normally Brian calls me, but I think that is when he needs advice between the hours of 8 am till about 5 pm.  He knows better than to call Jesy at work, so he bothers me during that time.  Luckily I was there and demanded that she put it on speaker phone.  The following is the result of that phone call.

Brian:  M asked me to go on a cruise with her and I don’t know what to do.

Us:  What do you mean you don’t know what to do?

Brian:  Like should I go or not.

At this point Jesy and I are just looking at each other trying to figure out the logistics behind Brian going on a cruise and with another family on top of that.  While our brains were digesting that, the questions continued.

Us:  Brian, are you sure M asked you to go on this cruise?

Brian:  Yeah.

Us:  When is this cruise Brian, where are they going?

Brian: they’re going in 3 weeks.

Jesy: Brian, you just can’t randomly go on a cruise in 3 weeks without planning.  You might have to get a passport and that takes 4-6 weeks.  Sorry pal!

Brian: Oh, yeah.

Us:  We don’t think you should go Brian.

Brian:  Yeah I was kind of thinking that, but I wasn’t sure.

Us:  Brian, you wouldn’t have any fun on a cruise.  There is no TV, no video games and you will have to hang out with M all day every day for as long as the cruise is.  Hell Brian you call us half the time complaining about M, could you really put up with her for a whole week, just you and her?

Brian watching TV on the cruise. What's wrong buddy, no reception? Hope that thing wasn't a carry on!

Brian:  That’s true, but I can just watch TV

Us:  Brian we just told you, there is no TV, you are in the middle of the ocean.

Brian:  Frick.

Us:  Plus Brian what are you going to do about medication and what happens if you have a seizure?  Brian, one of us would have to go with you, that’s just the bottom line.  Where’s mom, let’s talk to her.

Brian:  She’s on the phone with Mrs. Hientzman.

At this point it was clear that this whole idea was ridiculous.  I was starting to suspect that Brian had either got the story wrong or he was missing some important facts.  but that is half the fun in a Brian story, getting to the actual facts.  Mom would help clear that up, but she was on the phone with Judy, and god only knows how long a conversation between those two could last.  I might have another birthday before we get this settled.

We decide to keep talking to Brian and wait out the Carol/Judy conversation, hoping to get to the bottom of all this.  We just keep spitting out more reasons why this is a bad idea and Brian just keeps repeating himself over and over.

“I just didn’t know what to do.”

“Well she asked me and I was like what, huh.”

“Yeah, I didn’t know what was going on.”

Those same three things or a variation of them for the next 5 minutes until Carol finally decided to inhale.  So, we finally get Carol on the horn and ask her the pivotal question, “what the hell is going on?”

Carol explains that M STATED, not asked, that it would be nice IF Brian could go on the cruise with them.

GOD DAMMIT BRIAN!  That little shit got us again.  Hell we probably talked to him for 20 minutes trying to think about this rationally and trying to explain to him why this was a bad idea.  Trying to help him and make sure he understands.

All that for nothing, she never even freaking asked him to go.  Are you serious?

Jesy was PISSED to say the least.  She demanded that Carol hand the phone back to Brian, as she was passing off the phone you could hear Carol tell Brian, “That’s bullshit Brian.”  Well said Carol.

Even George was astounded at the word combinations Jesy was using.

Once Brian gets the phone back Jesy launches into a fit of screaming and cursing that would have made George Carlin blush.  She was just burying Brian with reprimands.

Brian’s only response, “What, do you think I knew?”

Dammit Brian you should know better than that by now.  Are you serious?  How are you going to call people with a sudo emergency and not have the facts straight?  I mean you seemed pretty sure before and now you are back peddling faster that John Edwards.

All that for nothing, 30 minutes of our lives that we will never get back.  And some parting advice for Brian.  “Just the facts ma’am, just the facts.”