WJP

Brian can be their trainer

This is a continuation of Brian’s first reactions to hearing about Matt and Jami being pregnant.  Matt and Jami, along with their friends Josh and Jamie and their parents Randy and Dina had all met over at John and Carol’s and were playing baseball at the Adena School next door.  The boys were playing baseball so Jami was sitting next to Brain talking to him.

According to Jami, Brian was sitting there running his mouth, as usual and told Jami that he personally was going to teach the baby how to beat Matt up.  A brilliant plan really filled with a story made for Hollywood.  Jaded little brother exacts revenge of years of being picked on by turning his brothers first-born child against him.

As if to prove his toughness Brian went on to brag about how there were only three people that he was scared of.  M was first on his list.  A good call by Brian, and M will be happy to know that she has her man trained.  He was quick to show is fear of a woman’s wrath, especially from his own woman.  Second on this list was Uncle Glenn.  Glenn is one of the nicest men I have ever met, I have no idea why Brian would be scared of him, but congratulations are in order I suppose, it’s a very short list apparently.  And Jami forgot who the third person was.  How is Matt not on that list?  How is mom or dad not on that list?  Perplexing, but that’s Brian for ya.

Jami then tried to ensure that Brian’s ego would be able to fit in the house and told him that he was a big p@ss and that no one was scared of him because we all knew he wouldn’t do any of that anyway.  Smart move to squash that down, otherwise Brian would have gone on all day about his nefarious plot to teach the baby to beat up Matt.

But we all know Brian.  He will not lose this verbal confrontation.  In order to get his point across and to ensure that he has the final word he goes WAY over the top and past the line.  Of course he has no idea what he is about to say, he just throws a combination of words together that he knows are bad words, he just doesn’t know what they mean.  It’s like the time he was calling Matt a homo.  Brian had no idea that homo was a derogatory way to make fun of someone who is gay.  He just called Matt that because Matt was still living at home.  Brian knew the word was bad, he had heard it used, how it was used and the reaction it got.  See, he pays attention better than we all think.  He just had no idea the real meaning, because he had never looked it up.  This was exactly the case here, because this is what he said:

• “Oh ya, well I have a nickname for the baby already, ‘Wussy Juicy P@$$y’.”

I know you are probably still a little shocked, but keep in mind Brian has no clue what he’s saying, he just knows it’s mean.  See, now it’s pretty funny.  Jami immediately told Brian that was unacceptable and that she was going to tell Carol what he just said.  Meanwhile Brian had rushed into the house to get his phone to call M to brag to her about what he had just done.  It was a crowning moment for Brian, he had just pissed someone off.

Thar she blows! Brian has caused yet another explosion from Mt. Carol.

Jami backed up her threat and went to go tell Carol.  Mount Carol erupted violently.  She shot up off the swings at Adena and ran in the house after Brian.  You could hear her yelling at him from the school, hell probably from Indiana.  Eventually she was able to explain why it was inappropriate and why he nor anyone else could call the baby, or anyone else that.  Brian eventually understood.

When he was asked where he had heard such a combination of words Brian did the typical Wenstrup maneuver, he through someone in front of the bus.  He said that he had heard it from Matt.  Nice.  Another opportunity to stick it to Matt, check.   Of course what Brian doesn’t realize is that Matt didn’t get in trouble nor would Matt have cared if someone yelled at him for it.

I do have trouble believing Brian’s debriefing though.  While he MIGHT have heard Matt use any or all of those words, he certainly never heard Matt use that particular grouping of those words.  There is no one in the world that would use that grouping of those words except perhaps a foreigner who doesn’t have full command of the English language.  We have all known that exchange student that first learns how to curse in English and we have them do it over and over again because the way they combine words is hilarious, same with Brian.  He curses so rarely and when he does, he really doesn’t know he is, so it makes it all the more funny.

For all those interested, Brian did come back out and apologize to Jami.  I think that once Carol explained what he had really just said Brian felt pretty bad about it.

But the damage is done, that baby will forever be WJP to me.  Thank you Brian.

Taking Brian Shopping.

You think shopping in that gear is tough? Try shopping with Brian sometime.

As I was leaving work yesterday I thought to myself, it has been a long time since I have purchased a video game and we have our money back from the whole National City/PNC fiasco, so today was the day.  Today I would reinvest in my obsession since my senior year in high school.  Today I would finally buy the latest Final Fantasy game.

And since I was going there anyway I might as well take Brian with me.  The kid loves video games and is always bothering mom and dad to take him.  And if you read this blog at all, there should be no reason for explanation as to why they don’t like to take him.

So I called Brian and told him I was on my way and to make sure he has his shit together and to call mom and make sure it was alright.  You have to tell Brian to get his shit together, otherwise you are at the house for 20 minutes waiting for him to put on shoes, socks and get his money and so on.  It is normally quite the ordeal, as I have said before, the kid is slower than a turtle with no legs.

So I get to the house and run through the checklist.

• Does Brian have socks on:  Check.

• Does Brian have shoes on:  Check.

• Does Brian have money:  Check.

• Has Brian called mom and OK’ed everything:  Check.

• Does Brian have anything he wants to trade in:  Silly question he always does, check.

• Does Brian have a jacket:  negative, its nice enough out, he wont need it and getting him to find it and put it on might take another 10 minutes.

On to Gamestop.

We arrive safely, discussing Brian’s options as to what to get M for her birthday.  He got her a necklace for Valentines day, so I suggested a nice bracelet or earings and maybe a tub of her favorite ice cream since he is going to her birthday party on Saturday.  No better way to impress the lady then show up to her party with her favorite ice cream right?  So it was decided.

We walk in the door and Brian immediately heads to the counter to exchange a PS3 game that he didn’t really like or play that much.  Amazingly he got $16 on the trade in, now on to the hard part, figuring out what game to buy next.

Yeah, like this, but instead of bricks, imagine video games.

For me it was easy.  For Brian, nothing is easy.  After getting his store credit he proceeds to walk over to the wall of games, which might as well be the Wall of China the way Brian takes his sweet ass time looking over everything.

After picking out what I wanted I decided to help speed up the process and help Brian pick something out.

Me: Brian, what are you looking for?

Brian: A racing game.

Me: Brian, isn’t that what you just returned?

Brian: Yeah, I want a different one.

Me: What about this one?

Brian: Own it.

Me: This one?

Brian: Played it.

Me: This one?

Brian: Own it.

This seriously went on until we had exhausted every single racing game that they had in the store.  That is until I found the off-road racing games, so I asked Brian about those games.  Nope, he doesn’t like off-road racing, just street racing.  Of course.  This kid is more picky about games than I am about food.

So I tell Brian that there is literally no racing game made for the PS3 that he either hasnt played or doesn’t already own.  So I asked him what other kind of game he would like.  He said baseball or basketball.

So I start to scour the great wall-o-games again.  I start to see several baseball and basketball games he might like, but when I turn around, to my surprise, Brian has a game in hand.  Wrestling.

Ahhhh, the joys of shopping with Brian, he tells you one thing and picks out another.  So I ask him if he is sure about this game.  BIG MISTAKE.  He was sure, but since my dumb ass just HAD to say something, now he wasnt so sure, so we get to start the scanning process all over again.

Luckily he narrows it down to two games.  Wrestling and basketball.  As he is looking over the basketball game I notice how cheap it is.  Clearly a newer version of this game would be coming out soon, if it wasn’t already.  I told Brian to wait because a newer version of this game should be coming out soon.

He told me he already knew that.  Why did he already know that you ask?  Because he already owns the newer version.  Of course he did.  Dammit Brian why the hell would you wants last years game, when you already have THIS years game??!!  He does this with NASCAR games all the time.  He will trade games in to get older versions of the game.  Baffles me.

Thankfully I got through to him and he settled on the Wrestling game, all in under an hour, which for Brian is nothing short of a miracle.  So we make our way up to the counter when Brian pulls out a wad of cash that looked like it had gone through the washing machine.

Me: Brian, don’t you have a wallet?

Brian: Nope.

Me: That’s it, your 19, you need a wallet.  We are taking you over to Target to get you a wallet after this.

Brian: OK.

So we take our games to the car and walk over to Target.  Yes I am 31 years old and the first thing I do when I go into Target is go to the toys section.  I always browse through the Legos and Star Wars stuff, just to see what there is, I normally don’t get anything.

It was at this time that Brian mentioned that he was going to see Tony Stewart on Thursday and he wanted to take something to get signed, but mom wouldn’t get him this car that he wanted.  I was curious, so I asked to see it.  Shit no wonder, the car he wanted was like $25 bucks.  That’s nothing to sneeze at.  But I was able to compromise, I found a little car that had a scale model of the hood of the car that came with it and it was only $5.00.  I told Brian I would get that for him and as an added bonus it might make John jealous, I LOVE when I can do that!

Now on to the wallet.  WE finally get to the section that has wallets and there are of course four options, not good for a kid that takes upwards of an hour to pick out one video game.  Luckily your story-teller learns a lesson, I picked out the cheapest little bastard I could find and said this IS what you are getting.

Surprisingly there was no argument from Brain, so we made our way up to the counter.  While waiting in line Brian decides he needs some gum.

Me: Brian, why to you need gum?

Brian: I like to have some when I am hanging out with M.

Brian makes Brett favre look like a decision making machine.

I’ll be honest, that is some damn good logic, I can’t really argue with that at all.  Alright, gum it is.  But wait, that means more decisions, shit.

Me: Do you like fruity gum?

Brain: Nah, not really.

Me: Do you like mint?

Brian: yeah.

Awesome, I grab the cheapest mint gum I can find and tell him that’s his winner.  Again, no argument, sweet, I’m almost in the clear here.

As we are walking out the store he thanked me, which was nice, but then he followed up with these little numbers.

1. He informs me that he doesn’t have a wallet because he lost his last one and Carol didn’t want to waste the money to get him another one he would probably lose.  Awesome work Brian, you got me to spend money on you and set me up to get yelled at by Carol.
2. He informs me that he asked Carol if he could get some gum like two days ago and Carol said no because she had just bought a lot of gum.  Brian’s excuse was he didn’t know where that was.  I asked him if he asked Carol where it was and you guessed it, he said no, followed by, “how should I know.”  I HATE when he acts like the victim when he knows damn well that it was his own fault.

Well Brian, I hope that this was a great trip for you because Carol will NEVER let this happen again.  Hell, I was only with him for a couple hours and I managed to get him three things that Carol had specifically said no to him like two days prior.

I would rate my parental preparedness at about a 3 out of 10.  Not good.

Still waiting for Carol to call and ask what the hell I was thinking.  Luckily I already have the insanity defense well mapped out.

Brian’s Cruisin’ for a Brusin’.

Yup, Brian's ready for the cruise alright.

Interestingly enough Brian decided to call Jesy last night with his full-blown emergency.  Normally Brian calls me, but I think that is when he needs advice between the hours of 8 am till about 5 pm.  He knows better than to call Jesy at work, so he bothers me during that time.  Luckily I was there and demanded that she put it on speaker phone.  The following is the result of that phone call.

Brian:  M asked me to go on a cruise with her and I don’t know what to do.

Us:  What do you mean you don’t know what to do?

Brian:  Like should I go or not.

At this point Jesy and I are just looking at each other trying to figure out the logistics behind Brian going on a cruise and with another family on top of that.  While our brains were digesting that, the questions continued.

Us:  Brian, are you sure M asked you to go on this cruise?

Brian:  Yeah.

Us:  When is this cruise Brian, where are they going?

Brian: they’re going in 3 weeks.

Jesy: Brian, you just can’t randomly go on a cruise in 3 weeks without planning.  You might have to get a passport and that takes 4-6 weeks.  Sorry pal!

Brian: Oh, yeah.

Us:  We don’t think you should go Brian.

Brian:  Yeah I was kind of thinking that, but I wasn’t sure.

Us:  Brian, you wouldn’t have any fun on a cruise.  There is no TV, no video games and you will have to hang out with M all day every day for as long as the cruise is.  Hell Brian you call us half the time complaining about M, could you really put up with her for a whole week, just you and her?

Brian watching TV on the cruise. What's wrong buddy, no reception? Hope that thing wasn't a carry on!

Brian:  That’s true, but I can just watch TV

Us:  Brian we just told you, there is no TV, you are in the middle of the ocean.

Brian:  Frick.

Us:  Plus Brian what are you going to do about medication and what happens if you have a seizure?  Brian, one of us would have to go with you, that’s just the bottom line.  Where’s mom, let’s talk to her.

Brian:  She’s on the phone with Mrs. Hientzman.

At this point it was clear that this whole idea was ridiculous.  I was starting to suspect that Brian had either got the story wrong or he was missing some important facts.  but that is half the fun in a Brian story, getting to the actual facts.  Mom would help clear that up, but she was on the phone with Judy, and god only knows how long a conversation between those two could last.  I might have another birthday before we get this settled.

We decide to keep talking to Brian and wait out the Carol/Judy conversation, hoping to get to the bottom of all this.  We just keep spitting out more reasons why this is a bad idea and Brian just keeps repeating himself over and over.

“I just didn’t know what to do.”

“Well she asked me and I was like what, huh.”

“Yeah, I didn’t know what was going on.”

Those same three things or a variation of them for the next 5 minutes until Carol finally decided to inhale.  So, we finally get Carol on the horn and ask her the pivotal question, “what the hell is going on?”

Carol explains that M STATED, not asked, that it would be nice IF Brian could go on the cruise with them.

GOD DAMMIT BRIAN!  That little shit got us again.  Hell we probably talked to him for 20 minutes trying to think about this rationally and trying to explain to him why this was a bad idea.  Trying to help him and make sure he understands.

All that for nothing, she never even freaking asked him to go.  Are you serious?

Jesy was PISSED to say the least.  She demanded that Carol hand the phone back to Brian, as she was passing off the phone you could hear Carol tell Brian, “That’s bullshit Brian.”  Well said Carol.

Even George was astounded at the word combinations Jesy was using.

Once Brian gets the phone back Jesy launches into a fit of screaming and cursing that would have made George Carlin blush.  She was just burying Brian with reprimands.

Brian’s only response, “What, do you think I knew?”

Dammit Brian you should know better than that by now.  Are you serious?  How are you going to call people with a sudo emergency and not have the facts straight?  I mean you seemed pretty sure before and now you are back peddling faster that John Edwards.

All that for nothing, 30 minutes of our lives that we will never get back.  And some parting advice for Brian.  “Just the facts ma’am, just the facts.”