In typical Brian fashion, he called me yesterday and then decided to keep texting me all night long. Of course I’m just as guilty because I kept texting back, and why wouldn’t I? Brian might be one of the most randomly entertaining people I know. Yesterday we not only covered M issues, but also karaoke and Kat’s birthday. It was a long night, but well worth it for the entertainment I now get to share with you!
The phone call should have been simple enough, but for some odd reason Brian was just stuck on one idea and would not let it go. He was like a fat man holding on to the last sandwich he will ever eat. Brian is becoming increasingly annoyed that when he and M go out to a movie, they always see what she wants to see.
I told him that simply isn’t fair and that instead they should alternate turns. He should go see a movie that she wants to see and then she should see a movie he wants to see. See, a very diplomatic solution, and everyone is happy.
Brian takes this as….”So I just shouldn’t see as many movies with M?” No Brian that is not what I said. I said that you should alternate. You can still see as many movies as you want. You should just take turns so that you get to see movies you want to see as well.
“So, I should just not see as many of her movies then?” Dammit Brian, this isn’t complicated. No, just take turns. You can go see every movie she has ever wanted to see if you really want to, just as long as you are getting to pick movies as well.
“Well, I know I’m not going to see the goofy movie she wants to see today.” Fine, whatever don’t go see it. Hell, why did you even call me? It sounds like you already have your mind made up. Also, it sounds to me like you just have an issue with this one movie and not all of them. Christ Brian you are so over dramatic, you are definitely Jesy’s brother.
“Well, I talked to Jesy earlier today and she said I should just go.” Of course you did and of course she did. Another trademark Brian move, lets ask everyone’s opinion until I get the answer I want. What I didn’t know and found out later is that Brian told Jesy and I two different stories, of course. He failed to mention to me that the movie was FREE! Had I known that I would have told him to just suck it up and go, it’s free, what will you be out if you didn’t like it? Two hours of Playstation 3?
The phone conversation continues. I suggest that he go see movies that M doesn’t like with his friends, that’s what I do. I told him that Jesy and I take turns, but sometimes there are movies of hers that i have no desire to waste my life on and she feels the same way about some of my movies, therefore we just go with our friends. Brian liked this idea and decided that he could go to the movies that M doesn’t like with all his nick-named friends, like Zach-Attack. Fine, whatever.
Then about an hour later I get a text from Brian:
Brian: “do you think callin yr girlfriends moms cell is a little strange?”
Me: A little, I guess it depends on why you were calling…..why were you calling?
Brian: Im tryin 2 see if M wants 2 go2 camp with us this weekend 2 see what we do on a holiday weekend at camp.
First of all what is his deal with G’s? Why does he hate using them so much? Did a G word offend him at some point? I must follow-up with that sometime. Also, I hate that he is using numbers as words. Dammit Brian stop typing like a 13-year-old girl!
Me: So why don’t you just ask M? And did you make sure it was OK with mom and dad first?
Brian: we r goin 2 find that out now.
Huh? Could you be more vague? What are you going to find out? I asked you two questions and you responded with an answer that could apply to either. If I didn’t know any better I would have thought that he did that on purpose.
Me: What are you going to find out now?
Brian: If she is goin 2 camp this weekend with us.
Are you freaking serious? You still didn’t answer my question. He has to be doing this on purpose, right? I can see him on the other end with that weird creepy smile he does when he thinks whatever he is doing is hilarious. Keep it up Brian. Time for me to be even more direct.
Me: So, are you asking mom and dad right now?
I’ve been around long enough to know that Brian would totally ask M to go to camp for the whole weekend and THEN ask mom and dad if it was OK. I’m just trying to save Brian a headache and me another call later by making sure he asks mom and dad now. Because God knows that if He asks M and THEN asks mom and she says no I will get another call from Brian telling me how he is pissed at mom with only about half the details to the story. I’m not really in the mood to play Sherlock Holmes with Brian today.
Brain: ive already talked 2 mom about it and she said its cool
Wow, well done Brian, perhaps you ARE learning?
Me: Oh, so you are asking M right now. Good.
It only took 20 minutes and rephrasing the question three times, but we finally got there. Whew. But there is more. Brian then launches into some tangent about frisbee golf at camp. That is one thing I love about Brian, if he gets into something there is no stopping him. He is super stoked to be participating in our revised version of frisbee golf at camp. He goes on to try to convince Jesy and I to come out to camp this weekend to play frisbee golf with him and dad. I told him that this weekend was too busy and that we would not be able to make it out there.
Brian, of course remembered that it was Jesy’s cousin and closest friend’s, Kat, birthday this weekend so he knew why we could not be there. I saw this as an opportunity to throw Kat under the bus and maybe get Brian in trouble for bad mouthing her. Operation “Set Brian up” was born.
Me: Yeah, she is pretty selfish, so we have to stick around here and do something with her.
Brian: who kat or kaka?
Sweet! Brian is not only walking into my trap, but he is even throwing Jesy into the mix too! This is going to be beautiful!
Me: Both! They are crazy women!
Come on Brian bite dammit! Take that bait and run with it!
Brian: why dont they bring the party 2 camp. god dang a little of our fam is gonna be there. so why not have it there?
Damn, Brian’s not biting, he’s too wrapped up in his own little world. I do love the harsh language though. “God dang” is about the closest to cursing that you will ever hear Brian mutter, unless it is a word he heard Matt use and has no idea what it means.
But I was not to be detoured. I wanted him to throw them both under the bus so bad, it would have been hysterical. So I press on.
Me: Because they are crazy, that’s why they aren’t coming!
Brian: they r miss out on the fun.
Let me get out my handy-dandy Brian Translator. Ohhhhh, you are saying that they are going to miss out on all the fun at camp this weekend. Still not biting though, time to throw in the towel. Brian is an oblivious genius.
Me: I guess so Brain. Well played sir.
Brian, however was concerned not just about the frisbee golf, but the big dance Saturday night. It’s really too bad to because Kat is single and I’m sure that she could find the man of her dreams at the Fox Run Fourth of July Dance. You know, if she’s into 13-year-old boys trying to act like they are really cool with all the line dances they know.
I was ready for this conversation to be over. Brian had let me down, he refused to throw Kat and Jesy under the bus, my fun was over. So, I merely respond with:
Me: Oh well, sucks for them I guess.
Brian was feeling frisky though, he wanted to make sure that I felt bad that we were not going to camp this weekend.
Brian: yeah and i know xhuck (Chuck, the DJ at the dance) would have played kat a birthday song 2.
Ah-ha, another opening. Thank you Brian and your persistence. Time to get Kat a birthday present!
Me: Would you sing karaoke to Kat? Maybe a Miley Cyrus song?
I know Brian hates Miley Cyrus’ music. He might find her hot like his older brother Matt, but he hates her music, no way is he going to go for this.
Brian: sure no prob. i would be happy 2 do that 4 kat
WHAT??!! Awesome! Kat not only has to but up with Brian’s wordless singing, but she has to sit through an entire Miley Cyrus song as well. Best birthday present ever!
Me: She would love that Brian!
Brian: i will sing 2 kat on her birthday but u have 2 get her 2 come 2 camp and im stickin 2 my promise im not backing down.
What the hell Brian? Why are you playing hardball suddenly? I mean I have already told you that we aren’t coming to camp, what is your deal man?
Me: Can she get a rain check?
Brian: on what?
Seriously? What do you think? How about the thing that we were just talking about 5 seconds ago? Have you been drinking shoe polish over there or what?
Me: On you singing Miley Cyrus to Kat for her birthday!
Me: Good deal!
Thank god it’s finally over, that was getting pretty painful! But wait, what’s this?
Brian: i’ll sing amy song she wants but no camp no singing.
Me: Roger that.
Brian is really driving home his point. I guess he REALLY wants us out at camp. Oh well he knows we can’t, I’m sure he gets it at this point. But wait…..
Brian: if u guys dont come 2 camp i don’t sing.
Me: Yeah, I understand what you are saying.
Holy shit Brian, when did you start playing the repeater? I get it, if we aren’t there you won’t sing. I mean why would you sing to Kat if she wasn’t there? I can put two and two together and get four, don’t worry little buddy. But Brian was really trying to drive home a point.
Brian: if u guys dont come 2 camp this weekend i dont sing at all this weekend.
Me: Brian, I completely understand what you are saying. I get it. I promise!
WTF??!! Damn Brian, lay off for a second! And I swear that he sent all those texts, I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried!
Brian: good thanks now if u really want me 2 sing will might want 2 talk 2 jess.
GOOD GOD MAN! ENOUGH WITH THE REPEATER! And that was the end of this conversation. Brian had evidently set his brain to the broken record-setting which would be enough to drive anyone mad!
So score another one for Brian. And possibly me if I can somehow convince him to perform his wonderful karaoke for Kat’s birthday at a later date, but as of now that is still in limbo. I mean he did say that he would allow a rain check, but then he contradicted himself in triplicate, so who knows? Fingers crossed.