Am I going to be an Uncle?
I’m very sorry to say that I have a GREAT conversation with Brian saved in my phone for just this occasion, but it would appear that my phone will just randomly start deleting conversations without telling me. So instead of being able to quote Brian’s normal ridiculousness, you will have to settle for my, not so great, memory. I’m truly sorry, because this might have been one of the greatest conversations…EVER.
It all started with a text from Brian…..
“Am I going to be an uncle?”
He was obviously referring to his brother Matt and his girlfriend Jami’s big news about being pregnant. However, I was hesitant to respond. I had just found out a couple of days before hand, and thought they were trying to keep a tight lid on things until they went to the Dr and made this thing official. And normally the LAST person you want to tell anything to is Brian. He remembers everything and is quite the blabber mouth.
So, at this point I’m not sure if Matt and Jami have actually told him anything or if he over heard Matt and Jami telling John and Carol and he wasn’t really supposed to know anything. So I test the waters….
“Why do you ask Brain?”
Prepare yourselves. Prepare for one of the single funniest responses Brian has ever given in his life. You might be concerned that I’m over hyping this, that it might not be as funny. But nay. There is no way that even I can ruin this, despite my wife calling me the “ruiner.” Hell, I’m laughing about it now even before I type it, it never gets un-funny!
“BC I heard Jami got knocked up.”
WHATTTTTTTTTT??? Did he just go and make Jami look like some prostitute? Or like this was some bar hook up that went wrong. She is not a hooker and they have been living together for over a year. Good lord Brian, you act like this is 1930 or something!
What a hilariously terrible thing to say! I mean of all the responses he could have given he chose that one. You could almost hear his apathy through the text. To be honest I had to re-read his response several times. At first I was in shock and disbelief. Then I was like a stereo-typed older black woman going with the “oh no he didn’t!” catch phrase. Then I finally exploded in laughter and didn’t stop for 5 minutes.
When I finally was able to pick myself up off the floor and control myself enough that I could try to text back I shot Brian a reply. I told him that yes he was going to be an uncle and that he probably shouldn’t refer to Jami as being knocked up, it’s rude and this is a happy event for Matt and Jami and he should be happy for them.
The rest of the conversation my phone did actually keep, so without further deliberation, he is the remainder of the wild ride that was the “pregnancy talk” with Brian.
Brian: i’m really scared and freaked out.
Brian: becuz idk if this true or not
Me: Why would that scare or freak you out? And why don’t you think it’s true?
Brian: becauz I thought u and J would have a baby first.
Me: Well, we’re not. And it doesn’t really matter. You should be happy for them, this is very exciting!
Brian: plus my goofy bro. keeps messing with me so its very hard 2 believe him all the time.
Blam! Brian took a shot at Matt now. Although I have to say this one is completely appropriate. Matt and Brian share the typical older brother/younger brother relationship. Matt is older, so he relentlessly picks on Brian and play pranks on him. So Brian is right not to trust Matt. So I reassure him.
Me: Well he is telling you the truth this time. I promise.
Brian: u promise me?
What the hell? are you really going to question me again? Yes I mess with Brian sometimes, but over all I am pretty up-front with him, why would he question me? Turd.
Brian: Well, there goes my golf cart money.
Ahhhh, there is that famous Brian randomness. I was beginning to get worried that we were going to have a whole conversation without him throwing something out there from DEEP left field, but not to worry it clearly has arrived.
Brian: becauz i may have 2 buy this kid new toys.
I can’t decide if he is being outrageously selfish, or if this is his attempt at trying to be a “good uncle.” Either way, Brian is clearly confused about his role in all this. I try to tell him that he can still “upgrade” his golf cart, the baby isn’t due for about 8 months at this point. Plus it’s not like he will have to buy stuff every day or anything, just on birthdays and what not.
Brian then sends me one of the most cryptic texts he has ever sent me. I will share it with you as a parting gift. Think of it like a brain teaser, or a puzzle. If you can figure out what he is trying to say then perhaps you are missing a calling. You should be cracking codes for the government or something. To be honest this conversation started at like 8:00 pm and this last text came through at about 11:00 pm. I was tired and exhausted so I just didn’t have it in me to talk to him for another 30 minutes trying to have him explain what the hell it meant. So, I reluctantly just let it go and went to sleep.
So here you are, a cyrpto-Brian-teaser!
As always I am leaving all Brain’s spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, it is important to keep the integrity of what Brian says to make sure you are just as confused as I am. Good luck, and may the force be with you all.
Brian: “the main reason wwhy im so scared is becauz i might start feelin and might 1 in front of the new baby but when he gets a little older he won’t know what 2 do at all.”