Brian; "But I didn't do anything wrong."

I should really start paying more attention to the warning signs.

Brian strikes again.  No more than 5 minutes after I walk in the door from work I hear, “HELP!  I need somebody, HELP!”  Yup, it must be Brian.  What kind of landmine will I be walking into today?  Well, no time like the present to find out….

Me:  Hey Brian, whats up?

Brian:  I’m sick of this crap.  I almost got in trouble the last two days.  I mean I’m not in trouble, but I am sick of hearing them talk to us.

Me:  What?!

Brain:  You know that kid that always picks on me at school?

Me:  You mean the kid that has autism that hugs you and says boo to you?  The kid that is probably trying to be your friend?  That kid?

Brian:  Yeah him, he gets on my nerves.  Well it is all his fault.

Me:  Brian I feel like I am watching Memento for the first time.  I have no freaking idea what the hell you are talking about.

Brian:  I’m sick of getting in trouble for something I’m not doing and I am sick of being late for the bus.

Me:  Whoa there Tonto.  Let’s back up.  My head is spinning faster than that kid from The Exorcist.  Who is yelling at you?

Brian:  The teachers.

Keep in mind at this point I am only half paying attention.  I mean these conversations are pretty typical with Brian.  If I’m right, and I generally am with this stuff, Brian is just being over dramatic.  But what Brian is about to say very much caught my attention.  Prepare yourselves.

Me:  So the teachers were yelling at you.  Just you, or a lot of people?  And what were you getting yelled at for anyway?

Brian:  They were yelling at everyone in the class.  They were yelling at us for hugging, kissing, and lying.

Me:  Whoaaaaaaaaaaa.  They were yelling at you for what?

I thought I heard him correct, but again I was only half paying attention and like the phone assassin that Brian is he snuck in some gory details there.

See, it could be worse, the kids could be making out with themselves.

Brian:  For hugging, kissing and lying.

Well, I heard him correct, now the question is, how does hugging, kissing and lying all fit together…..

Me:  Brian, let me see if I have this right.  There are kids in your class, perhaps the kid that always “picks on” you, that are going around the school kissing and hugging each other and then lying to the teachers about it.  So now they are talking to your whole class about it telling them not to do it anymore correct?

Brian:  Yeah.  But I’m not doing anything wrong.

This of course makes sense, M is at a different school and Brian would NEVER cheat, it wouldn’t even cross his mind.  So clearly he isn’t one of the students that is causing the trouble.

Me:  Well Brian I think the teachers either don’t want to single anyone out, or they really don’t know who is doing it, so they are just talking to everyone to make sure everyone knows the rules.

Brian:  But why are they talking to me.  I feel like I did something wrong when they talk to me like that, but I didn’t do anything.

It was like I didn’t even say anything.

Me:  Brian, focus.  Listen to me.  They teachers have to talk to everyone.  They don’t want to embarrass anyone or they just don’t know who is actually doing it.  So they just have to talk to everyone to be safe, OK?

Brian:  Yeah I guess that makes sense, but I didn’t do it, so I wish they wouldn’t make me sit there.  It makes me late for my bus.

Me:  Brian it can’t make you more than 5 minutes late, you will be fine.  Plus I am sure that the teachers let the bus drivers know that you will be a little late.

Brian:  Well I don’t understand why they have to take us all out as a group, they didn’t used to.

Me:  Because they want to make sure that no one sneaks off to go make out.

Brian:  I won’t.  So just let me go, so I’m not late.

Uh-oh.  Brian is starting to tune me out.  Brian tends to have a single-minded focus.  What started as concern about being in trouble has now turned into concern about the bus leaving him.

Me:  Again, Brain, they have to keep you all together.  They can’t single people out like that.  You are just going to have to deal with this for the time being.  Look, clearly you didn’t do anything wrong, so just sit there and listen and know that they aren’t talking to you.  And trust me, that bus isn’t going anywhere without you.  If it did they would have to face an angry Carol, and no one wants that.

Brian:  OK, what time does Xavier play Friday?

Ahhhhh, another one of Brian’s famous u-turns.  You never really know if you reached him or not, but clearly he is done talking about it.

Me:  I don’t know Brian, it’s Tuesday, I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.  Plus I will be at the Circus with Jes, so I doubt I will get to watch it.

Brian:  OK, well let me know when you find out.

Me:  Will do.

Brian:  Alright, will do.

Now, if you think that is the end, it isn’t.  It actually gets better.  The funny part is I knew this was going to happen.  We, as in the whole family, has had the discussion with Brian that if you call one of us, don’t call the other.  We live together, we talk, we will share with each other, there is no reason to call both of us.

Jesy walks in the door maybe 15 minutes after my conversation with Brian.  Typically Jesy is on the phone when she walks in the door, but within hearing the first three words I knew who she was talking to and what they were talking about.

It was Brian and he was giving her the same damn story that he had just given to me!

GOD DAMMIT BRIAN!

I bolted out of the computer room like I was a homeless guy chasing a Big Mac.  I start screaming over Jesy so that Brian can hear me on the other side.  Jesy upon hearing that Brian and I had already had this conversation tells Brian, “Brian this is ridiculous, you already called George, I’m hanging up, bye.”  Click.  She didn’t even give him time to formulate an argument, it was beautiful.

But it doesn’t end there, Oh no, Brian is still fired up, especially after being hung up on.  I get a text less than 5 minutes later.

Brian:  if i have 2 sit through this again tomorrow i’m going 2 go super crazy.

Me:  Just tune it out.  You will be fine I promise.

Clearly I am worn out.  I am trying to comfort him and end this madness.  I just don’t have it in me for this to go on for another hour.  Sadly Brian has other ideas.

Brain:  i have my teachers cell number and i’m going 2 go super crazy if i have 2 sit through this again.

Great, some silly teacher armed Brian with a cell number.  Poor fool.  I was tempted to tell Brian to call the teacher then, but felt pity for them and decided better of it.  Some people just don’t understand what giving Brian your cell means.  He will NEVER forget it.  When Brian puts that number in his phone it is also being programmed in his brain.  I even tried to erase my number from his phone once, imagine my surprise when I get a text from him days later telling me that “I’d just been served.”  Good luck there teach!

Me:  Brian, I would recommend not getting to crazy with that phone number buddy.

Brian:  mom dad and i r going 2 talk about

Brian:  ok!

Brian:  not going to get super crazy with the phone number if i have to sit through this horse crap again then will get super crazy.

Wow, where to begin?  Clearly Brian was typing before I responded.  First off, why tell me that you and mom and dad are going to talk about it, and why wasn’t that the first phone call?  Second, why tell me about the cell phone if you aren’t going to use it?  and third……

Maybe Brian meant he would call the wrestler, Super Crazy, and have him take care of business?

Me:  What do you mean super crazy?

I figured since he had mentioned it about three times already I should figure out what the hell “super crazy” means.  I mean, is he going to shoot up the school, or is he just going to bitch about it?

Brian:  if i have 2 sit through this agin then i’m goin 2 blame my teachers 4 makin me sit through it then they will not like that at all.

What is his problem with putting g’s on the end of words?

Me:  That sure doesn’t sound crazy.

Brian:  i will just get very mad and be like somebody else like one of my classmates.

Me:  What do you mean?

At this point I was trying to work out, so I just left the phone on the counter and tried to forget about Brian and his nonsense.  Sadly after the workout Brian had blown me up three times.  All of them said the same thing and didn’t even come close to answering my question.

Brian x 3:  1 boy says bad things but i would like to be in the quiet room while all this is goin on they makin me sound like i did somthin really bad witch makes me really upset.

First of all, YOU are making yourself sound Jamaican.  Secondly, you still haven’t answered my question.  And third, this conversation has gone on for about three hours now, I think I have run out of energy to try to get to the bottom of this.

If any of you know Brian, please feel free to ask him what the hell he meant by “super crazy,” and report back.  Oh, and good luck!