Brian has more gift cards than Lindsay Lohan has STD’s. Every year since Brian turned 12 he has gotten a stack of gift cards like everyone else on Christmas and his birthday.
The problem is that Brian never really has the means to get out to use the cards unless someone is nice brave tolerant enough to take him shopping. But this time Carol stepped up to the plate and took the bullet for the rest of us and took Brian on his gift card quest.
NOTE: I should mention this was a while ago. It was during Bengals season, I just happened to run across these notes that I had taken after a phone conversation with Brian.
Brian has called me so that I will tell Jes how much his movie was at Blockbuster. First of all, I am amazed that he was able to find a Blockbuster still open. Those things are more scarce than the Bald Eagle. But more to the point, why the hell was Brian calling ME to tell Jesy how much his movie was?
No doubt Brian did try calling Jesy. Brian almost always does the double call even if both people answer. He treats everyone like separate entities. If he has a specific question for me he will call me, and if he has a question for Jes, he will hang up and call her, even if she is sitting right next to me.
There is also the issue of Jesy only answering her phone 50% of the time. Brian might have tried to call her to give her hell and then she never answered, so he called option number 2 and in this case that was me.
And off we go:
G: Why do I have to tell Jess?
B: Because she owes me money for the movie.
G: Ummm, why?
B: Because there wasn’t enough money on the card.
It is important to note that I had NO IDEA what he was talking about at this point. So basically this is like almost any other conversation we have. Brian calls me up and starts spouting off not realizing that I don’t have any of the background information necessary to give him any advice. Now, back to our tale.
G: What card?
B: The card she gave me.
Ahhhhh Brain, extremely unhelpful as usual. I have no idea if he does that shit on purpose or not. If he does, it is brilliant, annoying and frustrating, but brilliant. Talking to him sometimes is like having a conversation with Abbott and Costello. “Who gave you the card?” “Yes.” Thanks for the help.
G: When did she give you the card?
B: I dunno, couple months ago.
Yeah, steel trap my ass.
G: For your Birthday?
B: Yeah. Wait, no. She just gave it to me.
G: So she just randomly found it and gave it to you?
Well, now we are getting somewhere, all be it slowly since Brian is doing his best impression of an angry 5-year-old and only giving me one word responses.
G: So, why does Jesy owe you money?
B: Because there was only $2 on the card and the movie was $12.
G: Again, how is that Jesy’s issue?
B: Because Mom had to pay the difference.
G: Brian, when Jesy gave you that card there was no guarantee that anything was on it at all. It was like a bonus, whatever was on there you could use to help make a purchase.
Brian now knows that this is a lost cause. He was fired up and ready for me to take his side and make Jesy give mom the extra $10. For whatever reason Brian thinks that I will always take his side when he concocts some sort of evil scheme to get at Jesy.
B: Don’t worry I will piss and moan at Jes later.
Clearly Brian is picking up some lingo from his dad.
G: Sooooooo, we are good right?
B: Who do the Bengals play Sunday?
The official white flag was just thrown. Brian has switched gears and launched the most familiar subject he can think of at the time, the Bengals.
G: Ummmmm, Pittsburgh.
B: Ok, cool, thanks.